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This is a hard post for me to write. Despite what you might think by reading my blog, I tend to be a very private person. There are things I just don't feel comfortable putting out there for all the world to see, or sharing with people outside my family. But sometimes when you share the good, you have to share the bad as well.

At 12 weeks MM and I opted to have the state testing done for down syndrome. It's a blood test along with an ultrasound. The testing is completely optional, but I had it with both the other kids, so we decided to go forward with it this time, too.

We received the results about a week later and they indicated we were at a high risk for down syndrome; our chances were about 1 in 17. The ultrasound also showed Baby Peanut had a cystic hygroma, which is basically an excess amount of fluid at the back of her neck. All babies have this, but the normal range was 3mm or less, and she had 6.5.

The doctor said he thought the risk was high enough to recommend an amniocentesis, which is basically where they take amniotic fluid through your stomach and test it. He also indicated we were at higher risk for miscarriage.

On September 22 we had the amnio done and about 10 days later we received the results. Baby Peanut had down syndrome. Our doctor had prepared us and we weren't too surprised by that. Although down syndrome is hard, MM and I weren't bothered about having a child with it. We just wanted her to be born healthy and we didn't care about the rest.

Unfortunately, during that appointment, the doctor did another ultrasound and gave us more bad news. The fluid she had at the back of her neck also spread to her chest and abdominal cavities, her heart was asymmetrical in shape and she had water on the brain. At that time he told us it wouldn't be a case of "if" we miscarried, but "when".

A week later, this past Tuesday, we had a follow up appointment and Baby Peanut's heart had stopped beating. Because I was as far along as I was, just a few days shy of being 20 weeks (5 months), I had to go through labor and delivery. MM and I checked into the hospital Wednesday evening and they induced labor.

Baby Peanut was born at 8:58 a.m. on Thursday, October 15, 2009.

Because our doctor was so candid with us, we were able to prepare somewhat, though I don't think you can ever be fully prepared for something like this. We're very sad, of course, but we're glad she's in a better place and won't have to suffer, even for a minute. It's hard, but we believe there's a greater purpose in life and though we can't see how, Peanut was taken for a reason.

We came home from the hospital this morning. I think we're both glad to be home with the kids. We were as open and honest with them as we can be, and they're handling it pretty well. Especially now that we're home and they know I'm ok.

As of right now we both have up and down moments. I expect my online presence will be off and on for the next little while.

We want to thank everyone for their love and support during this difficult time.

ETA: My timeline was off, so I fixed it. This is mostly for myself, please disregard.