...I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS. I DO NOT WANT MY NONEXISTENT PENIS ENLARGED OR ERECT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.
STOP ASKING ALREADY!!!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
...I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS. I DO NOT WANT MY NONEXISTENT PENIS ENLARGED OR ERECT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.
Posted by Holly at 9:05 PM
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I posted my Diary entries for the days leading up to and our wedding day. With pictures. Many more pictures to follow, but honestly? I'm lazy and don't want to do anymore today. LOL
They're posted in chronological order, so Wednesday first, then Thurs, Friday and finally Saturday, the big day.
I have pics of me and the girls, but haven't gotten permission yet to post them. I will as soon as I they tell me I can.
Also, I'm sure you've realized this by now, but I'm not comfortable posting pictures of my children online. I'm slightly paranoid, yes, but there are a lot of freaky people in the world, you know? If you'd like to see pictures of them, email me and I'll be happy to send them to you. :)
I'll have stories about meeting the girls later, but again..I'm lazy.
Thank you all for your well wishes. MM and I had a wonderful day and I feel it was enriched by all of you.
The New Mrs. MM
Posted by Holly at 4:45 PM
We finally left home, with all bags packed and my dress in the trunk. But the tuxes had to go with MM's sister, because we didn't have room in our car. And honestly? It came down to my dress or their tuxes..there was only one choice to be made.
We decided to stop for dinner at Burger King just outside of town. MM said I couldn't have anything that would upset my tummy because we weren't stopping again. I smacked him.
MM stops at a gas station for a drink. I mocked him for saying we weren't stopping again.
The kids fell asleep and MM and I kept making eyes at each other and talking about how we're on our way to get married. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way.
We made it to the hotel. After we checked in to my room, MM took the kids for a snack while I unpacked, then checked into his own room. Yep, I made him get his own room for the week.
MM and Little Man head to their room and me and The Girl get ready for bed in ours.
Can't sleep. I'm thinking about the last two years and how in two days I'll be marrying MM and...EEK!
Lights out, Holly. (a la Linda Howard's Blair Mallory)
We got up and met my grandparents for breakfast. It was nice visiting with them and honestly? I think (looking back on it) this was the last time I relaxed for three days.
Drove over to Bullhead City to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things I forgot to pack, like toothbrushes for me and the kids and mouthwash.
Went to the courthouse and got our marriage license
Marriage license in hand, we sat in the car and stared at each other, smiling. I noticed MM's was a half nervous/half happy smile and figured mine was about the same.
Drove around for awhile looking at the town of Bullhead City, smiling at each other the entire way.
Headed back to our hotel so I could get my veil and tiara. I had an appointment at 1:00 with the hair salon for a consultation. Since I'd never been there before I wanted to make sure the hairdresser and I were on the same page. I was snapping at MM because he was just taking his time, driving like an old lady on Saturday and I was afraid I'd be late for my appointment (I had no idea where the salon was located and how long it would take me to get there). He rolled his eyes at me and finally pulled up in front of the hotel.
Dropped all our stuff off in our room and I tried to load the internet again, something I'd been doing periodically since we arrived at the hotel. Unfortunately the wireless connection sucked and I wasn't able to get on. 15 minutes, wasted.
Left the hotel and headed for my hair appointment after calling to get directions.
Arrived at the hair salon. Dude, that was quick! Had I known I wouldn't have rushed MM. Poor MM.
Love the stylist. We agreed to put it up into a classic style for the wedding and I left.
Got back to the hotel and ran into MM. He and the kids had decided to go with sightseeing with his mom (well, decided might not be the right word....I'm thinking suckered would work better). We visited for awhile then I ran a few errands in the hotel (talked to the wedding director for the boat, confirmed some things with the group coordinator for the hotel, etc).
Left our hotel and headed to the salon/spa at Harrah's for one of the worst experiences of my life. My wedding gift to MM. A full body wax. Now, here's the thing you have to understand. I'd never been waxed before. Ever. And I decided, in all my infinite wisdom, to have a full body wax. Full.Body.Wax. Three words I never want to hear ever again, ever, in my whole life.
the sadistic psycho from hell who called herself my waxist me and my wax lady) decided to just jump right in and do the worst part first. Do I need to spell this out for you? Ok, then, I will. I had a Brazilian wax. Well, a partial Brazilian. Basically we did the entire front area. I think most men want to see this on their women and most woman are smart enough to not do it. I'm obviously not one of the smart ones.
The pain, the pain! I'm blind from the pain.
Pale, waxy and in shock I stumble through the hotel and back to my car. Never in my life have I felt this abused. Childbirth included.
I arrive back at my hotel and in a daze wander through the lobby toward my elevator with one thought in mind: Shower. Halfway there, I run into my parents, who have just arrived and behind them? MM's grandparents. I make small talk for a minute, but my mind is clouded over and I really don't know what I'm saying. That's the only excuse I can come up with for agreeing to have a drink with his grandparents at the bar.
I sit down at the bar in front of a video poker machine and stare at the bartender stupidly when he asks what I want to drink. Finally MM's grandpa nudges me and I order a beer. Grandpa offers me $5 to put in the machine and I do, but I'm still shaky and not really paying attention. I hit the button a couple of times and realize I've doubled my money and I'm now sitting with just over $10. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but my philosophy is if you double it, cash out. So I did. Grandpa laughed at me when I tried to give him the ticket. He told me to keep it and not spend it all in one place. I think he thought I was crazy.
I excused myself from Grandma and Grandpa and headed up to my room to take a bath. But when I got there, MM was waiting for me. I avoided touching him as much as possible (IT HURT) and started a bath. One thing led to another and then...
A knock at the door. MM scrambles out of the bathtub and yells through the door, "go away!" and then his grandma replies, "Oh, we just wanted to say hi" at which time I attempted to drown myself.
6:55 and 30 seconds
MM saves me
MM heads down to eat dinner with his family and I start dolling myself up for my night out with the girls.
Decide I'm dolled up enough and head out.
Decide maybe accepting lap dances from random boys in random bars probably isn't prudent. Sic him on my aunt instead.
Get hit on by a "naval officer" and "lead singer of the band". Laugh gleefully because I'm soon to be an old married lady but I've still got it.
Corrupted my soon-to-be sister-in-law on the dance floor by offering her shots and showing her booty dances. At which time she informs me it's too bad I didn't marry her bother 5 years sooner, because she could have been a serious "bad girl".
Laughed hysterically when my baby brother and his girlfriend started posing for pictures. I will forever be haunted by the image of my baby brother with his finger up his nose.
Thought about heading upstairs to bed then decided once last dance first.
Went to bed.
Posted by Holly at 3:00 PM
MM wakes me up because he's going golfing with the boys and I need to move to his room so I can be with the kids. Scream and yell for awhile (I think maybe this was only in my head) then shuffle down the hall into MM's room.
Curse the day I decided parenthood was a good idea as my son shakes me awake because he's hungry.
Curse the day I decided marrying MM was a good idea as his mother pounds on the door and asks if I'll meet her breakfast.
Cried in the shower over the sorry fate of my life. Then sucked it up and headed to breakfast with my soon to be in-laws.
Deposited the kids with my soon to be mother-in-law (aka my new best friend) and thought about taking a nap
Decided a nap wouldn't work and instead got ready to go to my nail appointment
Got my nails did. They turned out awesome
Rushed back to hotel from nail salon and into the spa at my hotel, where my amazing, fabulous, wonderful sister had scheduled a massage for me.
Met my mom and sister outside the spa and talked about maybe having a late lunch. Ran into the boys as they were coming back from golf and nearly killed MM when I realized he hadn't worn sunscreen and now had a bright red face and raccoon eyes where his sunglasses sat. He laughed at me and almost signed his death warrant.
After standing in the lobby chatting, we all headed up to my room to wait for my grandmother so we could catch a late lunch.
Decided a late lunch was probably out of the question and we should do an early dinner instead. Still waiting for grandma.
Rounded up the troops and headed to the hotel next door for dinner. Got there and realized there was an hour wait and hopped in line with MM and his family, who were smart enough to get in line early. Received several glares from my family for doing this - and felt pretty good about it.
Made it through the buffet line and realized my first (fake) fiance (E, the man of my dreams) and his date were just walking in. Ran over to say hello to them and laughed for a long time when my family realized who he was and started yelling "Is this the finace? OMG! It's so nice to meet you!" Wished MM was standing there to make the whole scene perfect.
Finished dinner and then went to visit with my family - who had just been seated. Snickered under my breath at them.
Said goodbye to MM who was planning his boys nite out as he left to go to a comedy show.
Called Daphne and found out she was almost to town. YAY!
Sat with Evil Cousin for awhile talking about old times then headed back to my hotel.
Drank a margarita and stood around trying to decide if we should go out or go to bed.
Ran up to my room for something and decided to stay put. Called all the girls and told them to come up.
Finished putting together gift boxes for the reception and had some girl time. Tried on my veil, showed everyone my dress and got some racy nightwear from my mom and sister for the wedding night. That was awkward.
Kicked everyone out and headed to bed.
As my sister headed out the door she warned me not to let MM in if he stopped by, since it would be back luck. I assured her I wouldn't.
Decided I wasn't going to sleep anytime soon and started a bath. Got in to soak and tried breathing exercises to calm myself down. It didn't work.
Still soaking in the tub when there's a knock at the door. I sigh and get out, asking who's there. It's MM. I let him in. Don't tell my sister.
I soak in the tub while MM sits on the floor next to me and holds my hand. We talk about how we're getting married the next day. I calm down. MM's breathing returns to normal. He squeezes my hand and I smile at him.
I get out of the tub. MM tries to cop a feel. He's drunk and wants some. I push him out of the room and go to bed, comfortable in the knowledge that all is right in my world.
Posted by Holly at 2:50 PM
My alarm goes off and I stare at the ceiling, nervous and excited at the same time. I think, "Today is the day"
I roll over and go back to sleep.
I finally get out of bed and go out on the patio to stare at the river. Yikes. Just Yikes.
My sister knocks on the door. I open it and she screams "It's your big day!" and then snaps a picture of the two of us. I scowl at her, because hello, I just woke up! She laughs and says, "I have this disposable camera and we're going to use it this morning, while you're getting ready!" I called her a dirty name and went to get in the shower.
My sister brings me coffee as I get dressed and I thank her and apologize for calling her a dirty name. She responds by taking my picture again. I hate my sister.
We leave and head towards Harrah's, where I'm having my makeup done at 9. My hope is that if we get there early I can get to my hair appointment early and have more time to get dressed. (we'd cut it short on time because the only appt the spa had for makeup was at 9 or 11. 11 was too late, so we pushed my hair appt back to 10 and made the makeup appt for 9. Yes, I realize you should do hair then makeup, but we didn't have a choice).
Got to the spa and were informed it didn't open until 9 and we couldn't get in early. Bastards.
My sister tried to talk me into eating something but my stomach revolted. Decided maybe it was better to just wait it out.
Finally got in for my makeup appt. She did a good job, but I was nervous about my eyes.
Left spa and headed to salon to get my hair done. Met The Girl and my mom there. I love this hair stylist. I wish I could kidnap her and take her with me.
Drove back to the hotel to get dressed. Almost puked on the way back. Managed not to.
All dolled up, I headed down to the boat. Met the wedding coordinator and she took me on board, then hid me below deck.
Wondered if MM had shown up yet. Almost cried. Managed not to because The Girl said my mascara would run if I did. Almost puked but remembered I had nothing in my stomach but coffee and that wouldn't taste good.
Was informed MM was aboard. Had a wedgie. Snuck into the bathroom to fix it. Almost cried. Didn't. Almost puked. Didn't. Stared at my dad and almost fainted. He laughed.
Wedding coordinator said it was time to go up. Captain of the boat told me I looked wonderful and asked if I could make it up the stairs. Since my legs were jello I wasn't sure, but said I could manage.
Headed up the stairs to the top deck behind my dad. Wondered if I'd actually make it. Saw him standing there and focussed on him, so I didn't trip up the stairs.
12:32 and 30 seconds
Got to the top of the stairs and saw MM waiting for me at the front of the ship. Didn't see anything else.
12:32 and 45 seconds
Realized MM was wearing his sun glasses and told my dad to tell him to take them off.
Dad tells MM to take his glasses off, which MM ignores. I realize MM is wearing black sandals instead of his rented shoes and think about pushing him overboard. Then decide I'm just glad he's there.
12:33 and 30 seconds
Dad walks away and the minister says, "Ehem! Who gives this bride away?" and dad says, "Oh, shit. I guess I do" and pulls me forward. MM is still wearing his sunglasses.
12:33 and 45 seconds
MM and I face each other and I tell him to take his glasses off. He ignores me. I tell him again and he rolls his eyes but does it.
The minister says, "MM, repeat after me. Holly, I take you" and MM says, "What?" then the minister says, "MM, repeat after me. Holly," and MM looks at me. The minister says, "Holly" and MM looks at me like, "Hello, answer her" and I roll my eyes. The minister says, "MM! REPEAT AFTER ME!!! HOLLY!" and MM says, "OH! That's my line." and everyone laughs.
I repeat my vows.
She announces us as husband and wife. Tells MM he can kiss me.
12:40 and 15 seconds
He does. Everyone claps. The minister says, "Everyone, Mr.and Mrs. MM" and everyone says "Aww!" I lean into MM and say, "Is it just me, or did that seem rather anti-climatic?" he says, "I was just thinking that". We both smile for the camera.
12:41 - 3:30
We pose for pictures and wander around talking to people. We cut the cake and sign the marriage license. We wander around some more and pose for more pictures. I don't really remember much of this. You should ask someone else for better details.
We head up to our suite with the kids to have dinner and relax before the reception at 7 p.m. We all fall asleep.
I wake up and my dress is a sad, wrinkled mess. Wake Little Man up and tell him to put his tux back on.
Alf knocks on the door and asks if he can wear his shorts to our reception. I tell him I don't care, he looks fine. He mentions he's going to In-N-Out with his parents and asks if we'd like to join him. I laughed. MM said "Yes! That sounds so good" I laughed again until I realized he was serious.
I tried to smile when the girl behind the counter at In-N-Out asked if we'd just gotten married, but I'm pretty sure I didn't pull it off. MM proudly proclaimed that yes, we had. She smiled. I almost cried but managed to stop myself.
We got to the hotel for our reception. EC met me at the door and said my family (mom, dad, sister, her boyfriend, uncle, uncle, uncle, cousin, brother, his girlfriend) were MIA. Tried to get them on the phone. Didn't succeed.
Brother calls back and says they just ordered dinner. Reception is supposed to start now and he has all the disposable cameras and guest gift boxes for the tables. I think about crying but decide it isn't worth it.
EC and Casee handle everything while I go outside with the photographer for some pictures.
MM, the kids and I walk in and are announced as the new Mr. and Mrs. I want to cry again, but don't. The Girl is giddy. I notice my family isn't there but the cameras and boxes are. I love EC and Casee.
EC and Alf make toasts. I laugh a lot at Alf and decide I hate EC. Hers was sweet and syrupy and made me cry. First time all day.
My family shows up and MM and I go onto the dance floor for our first dance. As per my instructions, the DJ says we're going to share our first dance and that the bride dedicates the first song to the groom. All is quiet and MM smiles at me. Then the first strains of Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry blare out and MM throws his head back and laughs.
7:45 and 15 seconds
MM's friend and co-worker Scotty walks up to the dance floor and hands MM $100. Apparently they had a bet about us dancing to Crazy Bitch for our first song. MM won.
7:45 and 30 seconds
The DJ cuts off Crazy Bitch and starts At Last by Etta James. MM and I dance, smiling at each other and laughing about how it all started 2 years before.
8:00 - 9:30
We dance, drink and mingle. Good times had by all.
MM and I decide to make our exit, 30 minutes later than we were supposed to. Then my grandma decides we need a family photo first. She starts rounding people up. I almost cry.
My family picture is done and MM's mom grabs my arm as I turn to say something to his grandpa. She says, "We still need to do OUR side of the family", like maybe I forgot? I said, "We stopped paying the photographer 45 minutes ago, so if you want a picture you better round everyone up." Then I turn to grandpa (MM's) and say, "I was wondering if you'd like to do a photo with your side of the family?" and grandpa smiles and says, "You are our family". I almost cried again. MM's mom rounded everyone up and we took a picture.
MM and I finally head for the door, after my aunt makes us open her gift so she can get a picture.
We run back to our hotel before we're caught by someone else.
Alone in our suite, we talk about the wedding and then....That's where my diary ends. :)
Posted by Holly at 2:45 PM
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Hi all! I've missed you! I feel so out of touch. We haven't had much in the way of internet connections since we left home last Wed., so I haven't had a chance to check in. I have somewhere around 500 emails to read/respond to and more than 400 blogs to catch up on in my google reader. But since we won't be home until Sunday or Monday, who knows when I'll catch up.
The wedding was wonderful. Happiest day of my life. :) I'll try to post some pics later. Can you believe I'm actually Mrs. MM now? EEK! I still get all freaked out when MM calls me his wife.
I'll post about the wedding later. For now we're in Williams, AZ. We spent 3 days here (2 at the Grand Canyon and 2 nights here in Williams) and it's been an awesome trip. If you have a chance, check out the Canyon Gateway Railroad. The trip was amazing.
We're off to Sedona tomorrow. From there? Who knows. But I'll check back in if I have time. For now, I'm off to bed.
Holly and MM
PS. It's SUPER hard to type with these damn fake nails on. Please excuse any typos. LOL
Posted by Holly at 9:41 PM