Thursday, February 28, 2008

In a little more than a week (8 days, to be exact) I'm getting married. The thing is, I've been feeling kind of..disconnected from the whole thing. Not that it isn't real, or right, but I haven't really thought about what it means, in terms of myself. Of MM. Of our future together.

But tonight, I finished read a great book (Baby, I'm Yours by Karen Templeton) and for whatever reason, it really sparked something inside of me. It was like a dam had broken open and all these feelings inside me came rushing to the surface.

I love MM. But it's more than that. It's just right with him. I was thinking about the day he proposed, and the look on his face as he said, "As long as I have you all here" and dropped down on his knee in the middle of a restaurant, with my entire family present and I just...melted. And I realized, for maybe the first time since we started planning this whole crazy thing, that's it's about me and him. I can see him, on our wedding day, with that same look on his face, with that same smile in his eyes and love just wells up inside me.

When I got married the first time I remember standing there on my wedding day thinking, "Oh gosh, what are you doing?!?" Not the most romantic thing in the world, but that pretty much sums up my life with the RB. I knew it was a mistake, long before I said "I do", but I didn't stop it. I think the biggest reason was fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being away from my comfort zone.

And I think fear is what held me back so long with MM. Not that I really held myself back, but I was cautious, and when I'd think about the future, instead of seeing MM, I'd see that big wall of fear in front of me and I'd think, "Not again!" Because I'm not afraid of MM, or being with him, or offering all of myself to him. Of falling with him. I just hadn't realized it.

Well, that's not entirely true. Part of me had. Obviously, or I wouldn't have agreed to marry him in the first place. Hell, I wouldn't have had a second date with him, or introduced him to my children, or moved in with him. But I hadn't really let myself think about us. About me and him, just the two of us, standing there in front of our friends and family - the people we love - and committing our lives to each other. Because in the end, that's what it comes down to. Not if our guests have a good time, or if I get to see some of my family members for the first time in ten years, but me and him. It's our day. Not anyone else's.

So I think about the look on his face when he dropped to one knee and I think about the future we're going to have together and I think, "Wow". That's all, just "wow". Because it's amazing, really, that two and a half years ago I was content to be single, to raise my children alone, to be alone period. But here I am. With an amazing man, ready to do something I was sure I didn't want to do ever again.

Because I believe. I believe in him, in myself, in us. I believe this is the only place we could have ended up.

My very own happily ever after.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Two Weeks and Two Days

It's almost here! I can't believe how time has flown by! It's so ridiculous. I keep thinking, "It's a ways off still" and that is SO not the case. *le sigh*

I still haven't found shoes. Daphne, bless her heart, shopped with me for 7 hours on Monday looking for the perfect pair. Unfortunately, we didn't find any. I found a pair I absolutely adored, but they were out of my price range (on sale for $450) and had a 4 inch heel, which sounds great in theory but isn't conducive to walking...or more importantly, dancing.

I go in tomorrow for my last fitting for my dress. I'm a bit nervous, because let's face it, I'm a pig and keep shoving my face full of crap like I'm a cop who's gone too long without donuts (love you, MM!), but I'm hoping all will go well and the seamstress won't tell me I need to purge for a few days or she's going to have to add a fat panel of material to my dress.

Everything else is pretty well planned out. I still have some minor things to do, but the major stuff has been taken care of. Thank goodness! I was a wreck for a good week or so, but now that things are squared away I'm feeling better...some.

I'm also a little nervous now. Not about me and MM. We'll be good no matter what. But, well, contrary to popular belief, I'm a rather shy person and the idea of being the center of attention in front of 100+ people kind of freaks me out. Ok, no kind of about just flat out freaks me. I realize it's a special day, but...dude, do ALL those people have to come? LOL

I'm telling you, this fairy tale stuff? It ain't for wimps.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I'm a Believer

Yes, yes, I finally did it. I finally watched North and South. And yes, I quite enjoyed it.

Kristie, you can SQUEEEE now. :P

I liked the movie overall. Miss Hale drove me nuts through some parts of it, but then Mr. Thornton drove me nuts, too, so they're even. I was disappointed with the end, however. It seemed to end rather abruptly. I see now what Jodi meant when she said she wasn't sure how they came to be in love. I believed it until her father died and she went back to London. From that point on? Not so much. Too much time apart, I think.

So, I want a copy now, to pull out on rainy days and watch over again. :)

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