Thursday, January 31, 2008

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

A few weeks ago, MM had a meeting for work on a Saturday morning, at about 7 a.m. He told me he'd be home about noon. That's all fine and well, but I had a day from hell. Our phones went out (We could only receive incoming calls, not make any outgoing), then the internet went down and my children became out of control wild banshees. Then I realized MM had taken my car and didn't leave me the keys to his (I later realized the spare sets were hidden, but didn't know that at first), which meant not only did I not have access to the outside world via phone or email (I get no cell phone service at home), but I couldn't leave the house, either (We live a good 3-5 miles from town, so walking was really out of the question). I was not happy.

About 1 O'clock I called him to see where he was. He answers the phone by saying, "I'm on my way there" but I heard all his little cop friends in the background, so I knew he was lying. I told him about my bad day and how irritated I was to be cut off from the outside world. He kind of laughed, in the uncomfortable way men have when they know they're in trouble, and said he'd see me in a bit.

About 20 minutes later he called back and said he was really on his way home. He told me where he was and that he'd see me soon. I hung up with him, then realized the town he said he was in was out of his way. There's only one reason MM would have to be in that town. In-N-Out Burger.

Now, the thing is, normally I wouldn't care if he decided to go to In-N-Out without me. I'm not that big on their food anyway. But I'd had the day from hell, was pissy as shit, and knew, KNEW, he was going without me and wasn't going to bring me anything back. I would have called him back to yell at him about it, but I wasn't walking two blocks down the street for my cell to work, and the home phone was jacked up.

Lucky for me, Isabel called to brag that her husband is so amazing he won the Pimp Voice Contest at work (she's so lucky, MY intended can't win any Pimp Voice Contests!). After the suitable number of wisecracks and proper faked awe at his accomplishment, I told her about my rotten day and how I was sure MM had gone to In-N-Out without me. She agreed that was wrong of him and we spent an equally suitable amount of time bashing him for it before we moved on to other things.

After a considerable amount of time (I was still talking to Izzy) MM finally called and said he was almost home. This was close to 3:30, IIRC. Yes, 3 freaking 30. When he said he'd be home at noon. Jerk. So he comes in, all lovey-dovey, and I said, "You went to In-N-Out, didn't you?" and he said, "NO!" and I said, "Don't lie, MM!" And he got this really, really guilty look on his face and said, in a very quiet voice, "We went to Sonic, instead. The line was too long at In-N-Out." Oh.Hell.No.

For those of you not in the know, Sonic is the BEST burger place..ever! Like, ever. They have the most amazing food. And they're an old-fashioned drive-up, where you pull up and park and then order and they bring the food to your car. WAY cool! About 3 months ago, we got a Sonic about an hour from our house. MM and I had only been there once since they opened, and he KNOWS how much I love their stuff. I asked him, "Did you bring me anything?" and he put his head in my lap and looked at me with sad puppy-dog eyes. "No." he said, still staring at me. I said, "Wait. You left me here all day by myself, with no phone, no internet and no car, and then you went to Sonic, my favorite place in the whole wide world, and you didn't bring me anything? Not a sip of a slushy? Not a single tater-tot? Not one bite of a Coney dog?" He rubbed my leg and continued to stare at me. "I love you" he finally said.

Jerk.

Then he tried to blame his brother-in-law, who'd been with him the whole day. He said, "It's not my fault! BIL wanted it, and he's the one that was buying!" I said, "Then you should have said no. Or you should have told him fine, but I have to bring back something for Holly. You both know how much I love Sonic!" He tried to protest again, but I wasn't having any of it. I told him he was wrong, and that was very naughty of him. He said he loved me again, but I told him he was a liar. If he really loved me, he'd have brought me something back.

Then I told him, in a very calm, clear voice, "You are never to have Sonic again."

Apparently I have more power than I ever imagined, because those would turn out to be famous last words.

You see, two days later MM called me at work and said, "You burned down the Sonic! What the fuck? You're the scariest bitch I've ever met!" Sure enough, I checked the news reports and Sonic burned down, not 10 hours after I cursed it and MM. The cause of the fire? A bin of dirty rags spontaneously combusted. Did you know that the chances of spontaneous combustion are something like 1 in 50 MILLION?

I'm so good like that. Or bad, depending on how you look at it.

Yes, my darling readers, I, Holly Mercer, cursed my local Sonic and caused it to burn to the ground. Well, technically MM caused it to burn, since he's the one that fucked up to begin with. But regardless, MM will never have Sonic again, just like I said.

I'm telling you, this is even better than the time I dressed The Girl's Ken Doll up like MM and poked it with a needle.

Are you scared yet? MM is.

13 comments:

Rosie said...

Day-um! Remind me to never piss you off.

Mollie said...

HAHAHA! Holls, you're too funny.


I keep hearing REDRUM! REDRUM! in my head.

Chantal said...

Ahahahahahahahaha!!! You have the best, I mean THE BEST blog ever. I laugh so hard every time!

You should totally write a book and fill it full of MM stories. You would make millions.

Dev said...

LOL ~ That's funny! I've never eaten at a Sonic ~ of course, it helps that we don't have one here :-) Although, I heard that was changing and we'd be getting one this summer.

Missy said...

Yes, yes I am. Also trying not do anything to make you mad.

nath said...

See Holly, my friend is right, you should publish your blog. Make it an autobiography or something :P It would sell!!

okie, this was hilarious. You have the Eye LOL :P and I didn't know about voodoo dolls LMAO!!

Aren't you glad you kept this blog open? I know I am!

Lori said...

LMAO!!! Now he knows who's boss, right? WTG, girl!

Kristie (J) said...

WoW!!! You DO have the power don't you. What a riot of a tale - even though I've never heard of Sonic. And now apparently there is one less in the world.

Casee said...

Isn't MM technically responsible for Sonic burning down? After all, if he would have brought you something back, you wouldn't have felt the need to curse it. Better yet, if he would have been home on time, the conversation would never have taken place!!

CindyS said...

That is too funny. Bob also thinks I'm scary - keeps the guys on their toes.

1 in 50 million.

You go with your bad self!

Cindys

Stacy~ said...

OMG, that is hilarious! I wouldn't mess with you either *g*

Dara Edmondson said...

Ever see the movie Fire Starter with Drew Barrymore? Maybe that was based on you............

Kris said...

LMAO! That is hilarious. You are woman hear your command!

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