Thursday, March 30, 2006

2 Stupid Dogs

A few months ago MM decided he wanted to get a puppy. I know he's been wanting one for years, but I'm not sure what made him decide that he needs one now. Maybe it's because he just bought his first house, or maybe it's because he's feeling like a grown up with his career, or maybe it's because I have the best dog ever and he's jealous. Though I'm pretty sure it's because he lives alone in a three bedroom house and is just plain lonely.

At first he wanted to get a Great Dane. I'm sorry, but how bout... NOOOO! First of all, the damn thing would be HUGE and I'm not a big person..I'm sorry, but in my opinion, you can't have a dog that's bigger than you are. That's just wrong. Second of all, they're dumb as posts. They're sweet. And cute to look at, but they're just dumb. No two ways about it.

But he wasn't hearing any of that. He ordered books on the care of them, he researched breeders online. He had hour long debates with himself (out loud, I might add) about the color he wanted. He shoved countless pictures in front of my nose and proceeded to say girly things like, "But aren't they CUUUUTE honey?"

Through it all, I just sort of rolled my eyes and bit my tongue. I figured that, just like it so often happens with my children, he'd grow out of that phase and move on to something more realistic.

Then his sister called. And it all went downhill from there.

Apparently her Black Lab had puppies and she decided to offer one of them to MM. He thought about it and decided he'd take a look at them to see if he was interested (at this point he was still pretty set on the Great Dane). Of course, after about fifteen minutes of listing the pros and cons of buying a Great Dane or being given a Black Lab, he was leaning towards the Black Lab.

I like to take a moment to make a confession here. I know it's going to be hard for some of you to believe, but I've always tried to be honest and now is not the time to shy away from the truth.

I panicked. Plain and simple.

Up to this point, the dog thing - in my opinion - was nothing more than a passing interest that would soon fade away. But his sister offering a dog was a totally different situation. This was a now kind of thing. You and I both know that once a man decides he wants something, if you give him enough time and distract him with other things, he'll get over it. Unless, of course, the object of his original desire is paraded around right in front of him. In that case, the Penis somehow becomes involved and he turns into a complete, stubborn mental case that can hear nothing but his own voice and the throbbing sensation in that ruling member. It's disturbing.

So, there I was, staring at him with barely disguised horror, and he was going on and on about his black lab this and his black lab that. Yes, you read right, his. Now he'd attached ownership to it. Everyone knows once a man attaches ownership to something he's never going to give it up. I think that's why they name their aforementioned parts. Then it really belongs to them, you know?

So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I offered him sex.

It worked, too. There was no more talk about dogs, Great Danes or otherwise.

Until two days later, when his sister called again. It's really too bad that I like her so much, because man, I would really enjoy hating her right now.

After that, I sat him down and explained, very reasonably, why it just wasn't feasable for him to get a dog right now. He works long hours. He's never home. He hardly has time for himself or me, much less a pet. They're expensive. It needs to be trained. You know what he heard?

Blah, blah, blah. Matter of fact, that's all he's still hearing...Blah. Blah. Blah. The jerk. Like I'm not making valid points here? Like it's really OK to leave the damn dogs ALONE in the garage ALL FLIPPING DAY LONG? Like I don't have a brain in my head to think with? What, this isn't the 21st century? Women haven't been liberated after all? Like he hasn't told me 500 times that he loves how intellegent I am? Yeah, forgot about that, didn't you buddy.

Eh-hem. But I digress.

Do you know how I know he heard absolutely NOTHING of what I said? Because as soon as I finished talking, he said, "So, I'll just hold off on getting the Great Dane for a year or so."

Oh. Hell. No.

I'm a dog lover, but even my compassionate self has a limit..and having three dogs is it (that would be my one, his Black Lab puppy and eventually his Great Dane. NO, we don't live together...yet. But every freakin day he mentions WHEN WE GET MARRIED, so I figure it's a logical conclusion that we will, EVENTUALLY, move in together, right? Well, I thought so, too). At this point, I kind of lost it. What woman wouldn't, after realizing she's basically been talking to a brick wall for the better part of an hour? Exactly.

I very firmly pointed out that under absolutely NO circumstances what-so-ever would he ever convince me to have three dogs at one time. For one thing, Little Man has allergy issues and three dogs would be too much for him. For another thing, do you have any idea how much dog crap there would be with three dogs? Especially with one the size of a Great Dane? Can we say, NASTY?

So, about three weeks ago he had to go home for a wedding and he stopped by his sister's house to see the puppies. I knew he was going to do this. He didn't lie about it or try to hide it or anything. I mean, I did know. But, I guess a part of me just figured he'd come to his senses and get over it before then, right?


So, I'm having a pleasant evening out with Daphne, shopping for books, when MM shows up (this is after he's been gone all weekend for the wedding). He comes into the bookstore and offers me Starbucks. I should have known then, but, being the sappy idiot I am, I figured he'd just missed me. *snort*

So, he hands me the coffee and makes nice, kissing me and hugging me tight, telling me he missed me like crazy. Then he turns me around so my back is to his front, wraps his arms around me, lays his chin on my head and says, in this little boy voice he probably started using on his mom when he was three to get out of trouble, "Honey? How much do you love me?"

Me, not being an absolute moron, immediately got suspicious. "Why? What do you want?" He said, "I don't want anything, I just wondered how much you love me." I said - because of course I'm still sketpical - "Uh-huh. What did you do?" He paused and then he mumbled under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like, "I picked out two puppies."

Of course, I immediately assumed my hearing was faulty, because no man, Penis driven or not, would have the balls to tell his girlfriend that he'd picked out not one, but two puppies after the arguement and valid points she'd raised not even a few days before, right?

Oh, you're so wrong.

I turned to face him. "I'm sorry, but what did you say?" I asked - in my sweet as honey voice that anyone who knows me understands is really the equivolent of DW's Scary, I'm from hell voice - "You didn't just say what I think you said, did you?"

At this point he took a step back. Hey, I never said the boy was stupid. He kind of nodded and I took a deep breath to lay into him. The he held up his hands, flashed me that little boy grin that always makes my knees weak and said, "But you didn't see them, honey. They were so cute. And they both loved me. I couldn't take just one."

Oh. My. Gosh.

"That's such a girl thing to say," I snidely informed him. I mean, really, what self-respecting man uses an arguement like that? Well, mine, apparently.

We argued about it for a few minutes and then I dropped it. Not permanently, of course. Just for the moment. I mean, really, it wasn't the time or the place.

So, for the last three weeks we've been going rounds over this. My original points haven't changed. His arguement is that they'll be fine because they have each other to play with.

So he's at his sister's today and calls to let me know he's bringing the dogs home. I tried not to argue with him about it, I swear I did. But I just couldn't help myself.

So, we went another round. Then, stupid male that he is, he tells me that his brother-in-law agrees with him. Oh, like that makes it ok? Then he tells me that he and his BIL decided that it's ok to get the Great Dane after now we're talking about FOUR DOGS! Yes, you read that right, FOUR MOTHERF'ING DOGS!

After I finished banging my head against the wall, I chenched my teeth and told him exactly what I thought about that. Then he said, "Since I can tell you're really upset about this, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go ahead and give you permission to get rid of your dog. See, I can compromise."

Well, isn't he just sweeter than peach pie on a hot summer's day?

I said, "Better yet, why don't you and your three dogs stay at your house and me and my one dog and two kids will stay at my house and then we won't have a problem. Ever."

He got quiet for a minute and then he said, "You knew about this. Why are you so bothered?" At this point, I figured a little guilt trip was in order. "Because," I said, "I guess a part of me always figured you'd realize how upset I'd be about this and decide to go with just one dog. You know, to make me happy?" The jerkface said, "Oh, hunh. Sucks to be you then, doesn't it?"

To make matters even worse, in true Devil Woman form, my mother sided with him. She immediately started gushing over how sweet and adorable these puppies - you know, the ones she's never even seen before - are. Then she said, "I'm going to have to talk to that boy." I'm feeling vindicated at this point. Surely she means to set him straight about being a dumbhead, right? "You see, the way to go about it is to bring home one puppy, let you fall in love with it and then about six months later bring home the next one. Don't worry, I'll be sure to set him straight." Yeah, not exactly what I had in mind, either.

Later he called to ask her what kind of flea collars to get and she asked him what he was going to name them. He said he thought he'd let my kids name them - yeah, he went there, trying to undermine me with my own kids - because the best names he could come up with were Mr. Black and Mr. Blue, "you know, from that one movie?" DW said, "Oh, you mean what you're going to be after your wife gets ahold of you." Yes, she actually said that. Your wife.

Freakin Devil Woman.

So, needless to say - or you wouldn't be reading this blog - MM is bringing his two puppies home today, the devil woman is egging him on and my Co-Worker is convinced this whole situation was a scam to get me to marry him sooner.

Yep, I've offically gone to hell.

21 Firsts

21 Firsts...
Isabel tagged me, though I'm not sure why she bothered, since she knew I was going to steel it regardless.

1. Who was your first prom date? My friend Shawn

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? The Rat Bastard

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? I got a 32 oz cup and filled it half with rum/half with vodka and added a splash of grapefruit juice. I drank four of them and went in to convulsions. I haven't been drunk since.

4. What was your first job? I worked as a housekeeper for the Super 8 motel (well, unless you count babysitting, but the Super 8 was my first official job).

5. What was your first car? 1988 Rabbit. It was soooo scary. LOL

6. When did you go to your first funeral? My Aunt died when I was about six, I think. I remember running around and playing with her 2 younger daughters (one younger than me and one about my same age) and being confused about why her oldest daughter (who was probably 15 at the time) was crying.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I moved from Ill. to SD when I was in fourth grade, I think I was 9 at the time.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? I honestly don't remember. I remember my 4th grade teacher was Mrs. Smith, though.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Huh. I think it was when I flew from SD to Ill. the first time to see my dad after my parents split.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? When I was in 5th grade I snuck out to play hide and go seek with my best friend and like five of our neighborhood friends. It was all downhill from there. LOL

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Her name was Angela. Yep. She lives in Nebraska now, but we still talk via email at least once a week and try to see each other at least once a year.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? An apartment.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? MM, my mom or one of the girls.

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I've never been a bridesmaid before. I was supposed to be in my aunts wedding, but I was living with my dad in Oklahoma at the time, so I missed it (that's a LOOONG story). I AM in a wedding at the end of April, though. My neighbor is getting married.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Have coffee, then I smoke, then I check my email. LOL

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Hmm...It was either Metallica or Garth Brooks. I saw them both the same year, but I can't remember which concert was first. (Hmm, Metallica and Garth Brooks, doesn't that just sum me up in a nutshell? LOL)

17. First tattoo or piercing? What age? I got my ears pierced when I was 9. My dad threw a fit (my mom took me) and the girl ended up piercing them at an angle, so every time I tried to wear earings they'd get infected. I finally just let them close and now I don't have any piercings or tattoo's. I'm thinking about getting my navel done, though.

18. First celebrity crush? Probably Tom Cruise.

19. Age of first kiss? Hmm...I was in 6th grade, I think. Remember from my first kiss blog?

20. First crush? A boy in 2nd grade. Though I wasn't really crushing on him. I didn't really start liking boys until like 5th grade.

21. First time you did drugs? I tried smoking pot in high school and ended up being rushed to the emergency room. Turns out I'm allergic. LOL Great way to get caught, eh?

I decided to tag people to do this...Let's see, since Dee and Izzy have already done it, I'm going to tag..
Who ever else wants to do this. (Moment, Romancelover, Mailyn..whoever)


I've been writing poetry since I was a young girl...perhaps seven or eight. I think writing, in any form, is a wonderful release. I decided to share a few of my favorite poems with all of you.

This first one is my own. I wrote it several years ago. I think we all, at one time or another, have looked at our reflection in the mirror and not liked what we saw.


Through the looking glass I peer
At a face I once knew
But no longer had a liking for
I thought of all the ways a face can be deceiving
And decided to look through the looking glass
No more

~ Me

I'm not positive, but I think a friend of mine wrote this one, or a very similar version of it, in any case. There are times when life feels a little insane. When you're sure you've gone mad in a world full of sanity. Or perhaps it's just me.

Life's Mind

In the straight jacket of life I thrash about
Yet the buckles that bind me leave me to die in the cloth of my own insanity
Spirits surround me in the cold stilless night
I cannot breath nor think
For I am a prisoner without a cage
Locked in with no hope
~ Anon

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

A Letter To My Boyfriend

My love,

Thank you for being there for me when I need you. It's so amazing to have someone to lean on, to draw strength from, to share my life with.

Thank you for loving me, even when I'm being impossible and grumpy. For offering your unconditional support.

Thank you for seeing me through the eyes of love, and overlooking my many flaws. For making me feel beautiful. For believing I'm beautiful.

Thank you for standing with me when I need you to. Behind me when I need a push. In front of me when I need someone to follow.

I know I'm not the easiest person to love. To look at. To share a life with. Thank you for doing it anyway. For wanting to do it anyway.

I never knew, until I met you.

All my love, and then some.

Quiz: Are You A Romantic or a Realistic?

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle.
You know that love isn't like a greeting card...
Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings.

You are the best of both worlds
Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious.
Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

My Future Drama Queen

The Girl called me earlier today:

Me: Hello, [insert company name here].
TG: May I speak with Holly Mercer please?
Me: This is she, hello Girl.
TG: Hi Momma.
Me: What's up, baby girl?
TG: I'm not feeling well.
Me: Oh, really? What's wrong?
TG: My stomach hurts. And though I'm not positive, I think I may have a fever.
Me: Well, has someone there checked to see if you had a fever?
TG: No. I haven't mentioned it to anyone yet.
Me: Hmm. Well, go lay down for a little bit and if you don't feel better in a little while, call me and I'll pick you up early, alright?

The phone rings again a few minutes ago. Cookie answers and says, Holly Mercer, The Girl Mercer on three. (she ALWAYS asks for me by first and last name, and identifies herself by first and last, even though she knows everyone here that might answer the phone...I think it's cute)

Me: Hello, Girl.
TG: Hello, Momma.
Me: Still not feeling better, huh?
TG: No, and in addition to my stomach ache and possible fever, I now have a headache as well. (the child is 9. yes, 9. And I swear on everything holy that's EXACTLY what she said. Not, no, I my head hurts too now, but In addition to my stomach ache and POSSIBLE fever, I now have a headache as well. She'll be the death of me yet, I just know it. *sigh*)
Me: Oh, really? Well, that's too bad. Because I was planning to take you to the movies tonight.
TG: *slight pause* Well, like you said before, it's possible that I don't have a fever at all.
Me: Yes, I know. But you do have that headache still.
TG: Nothing an asprin won't cure.
Me: And what about your stomachache.
TG: Oh, I probably just need to eat.
Me: Hmm. Well, if I pick you up early, you know the rule. You can't leave the house that night.
TG: Well, it's only another hour, right? I'm sure I can make it.

So Cookie just gets a call and then she starts laughing. She says, "Well, Mz. Mercer, your daughter just called. She didn't want to speak to you, but she said to tell you...."

I rolled my eyes.

"Can you please tell my mom for me that I don't have a headache anymore, my stomachache is gone and the reason I thought I had a fever? Well, that was because I was outside playing."

Uh-huh. Sounds to me like someone wants to see a movie...

All Star Player

So, Little Man has his third game last night. They lost the first 2, but the coach has really been working with them since and they all played like champs last night.

They had an early game, so my neighbor picked him up and got him ready (she said she felt like a soccer mom, with her mini-van and the three kids..hehe) and I got to the field just after they started playing.

His first 2 at bats he struck out, but he did have 2 fouls, so at least he was connecting. He was playing outfield for the first half of the game and then the coach decided to put him in as the catcher.

He looked so darn cute out there with his padding on. The helmet was kind of big for him, so it kept sliding down. It was hillarious. He had a really hard time remembering to flip his helmet off when a ball was hit, so the coach told him to go ahead and flip it off after every swing. So the pitcher would pitch, the batter would swing and miss and little man would dump his helmet, throw the ball back to the pitcher and then put his helmet back on.

Then, when the batter did hit the ball, Little Man would forget to take his helmet off and not be able to see the ball. I was cracking up.

The coach said he was doing a good job, though, and that she'll work with him at the next practice. She thinks she'll probably keep him as the new catcher. I loved watching him out there.

Anyway, his third time up at bat he missed the first two ball, and then had a MAJOR HIT! He whacked the ball but good and took off for first. He was half way to second before the rightfielder even got the ball (way out in the outfield). He probably could have gotten a triple out of it, but before he made it around second time ran out and the game ended.

He was so pumped up! It was adorable!

Final score:

16 to 10, Yankees.

They WON! I was so excited! So was the team.

I guess that crazy practice schedule has really paid off, huh?

Monday, March 27, 2006

Saving the World

When I was young and idealistic, I thought I could save the world. Perhaps this is something we all think at one time or another, but I truly thought I could make a difference.

My plan was to become a psychologist. Or a lawyer. A psychologist because I felt like I knew everything and figured it would be a great way to prove it to the rest of the world. A lawyer because I love to debate, and I'm really good at changing people's minds (just as the girls when it comes to book heroes).

But as I grew and started seeing the world through the eyes of an adult - and not those of a child - I realized that I couldn't change the world. The most I can do is change myself and raise my children to be thoughtful, caring adults who value life and accept love.

First of all, I don't know everything. I know, I know. This came as quite a shock to me, too. And second, as much as I love to debate, I don't like confrontation. I'm more likely to back down from an arguement (a true arguement, not just a good debate between friends) to keep the peace than I am to get in someone's face.

Plus, there's all that schooling. *YIKES*

So I decided somewhere about the time I was getting ready to graduate from high school, that I'd just offer advice when I could and live my life to the fullest. After all, isn't it best to teach by example?

I know I'm not always the best at living by that, however. I stick my foot in my mouth more often than not and I sometimes I just can't stop myself from reacting to a situation rather than thinking it through first.

The other night I was on my way to MM's house and had stopped to fill my car up with gas. I was on the phone with a friend of mine and I was just chatting away, minding my own business.

There was a pick-up parked in front of the air compressor (you know, where you add air to your tires?). There were two younger boys standing there, obviously filling their tires. I would say the oldest one, the driver, was probably 17 or 18 and the younger one, the passenger, was about 15 or 16 (though I could be way off here, I'm not a great judger - is that even a word?? - of age).

So, as I said, I was filling my car up and yacking away when they got in their truck and started to leave. I looked up when I heard the car start and saw the passenger toss a plastic bottle onto the ground in the bushes. Before I even knew what I was doing, I yelled, "Pick that up."

They were starting to roll past me at this point and the drive stuck his head out the window. "What?" He asked.
I said, "You just threw a bottle on the ground, go pick it up."
He said, "I didn't throw anything."
I rolled my eyes. "Your little friend did, and he needs to pick it up."
The kid revved his engine. "That's my little brother and he doesn't have to do anything."
I just stared at him for a second. "Bullshit. There's a garbage can not a foot away from where he threw that bottle. He can walk his happy ass over there, pick the bottle up and toss it in the trash."
He started peeling his tires off and after flipping me off, whipped out of the parking lot.

I just kind of stood there for a minute after he left, fuming. The little punk! First they litter, then they have the nerve to act like that?

My friend says, "What the hell was that all about?" I told her and she said, "You're lucky you didn't get shot."

I thought about it for a minute and said, "Nah, I wasn't worried." But the more I pondered it, the more I realized that in this day and age, I could have been shot. It's sad, but there you have it.

Of course, that hasn't stopped me from opening my mouth. I yelled at a teenager in the mall the other day for cussing in front of my son. Well, shit, it's a free country, right? I can't tell him how to talk any more than he can tell me, but I just couldn't stop myself from opening my mouth.

So here I am, all growed (yes, that was done on purpose) up, and still trying to save the world. Although, I'm sure I could go about it a lot better than that, right?

So, I'm wondering. Do you want to save the world? Do you do things sometimes and then look back on them later and shake your head and wonder what you were thinking? Please tell me I'm not the only one with a hero complex and a mouth bigger than my brain. Please....

Car Pick of the Week: 03/27/2006

***Due to my being sick two weeks ago and a severe case of writers block, I haven't been blogging much lately. I know I'm behind, but I'm going to try to make up for it this week. Thanks for being understanding! Hugs, Holly***

This week, it's all about speed.

So, may I present you with:

The 2006 SLR McLaren by Mercedes Benz

Now, I realize that not all of you are Speed Junkies like I am, but can you honestly tell me you aren't a little bit wet looking at this?

We're talking about 617 Horsepower here. Six HUNDRED and SEVENTEEN! 6.1.7. Holy Mary Mother. This baby can go from Zero to Sixty in under 3.8 seconds. Count with me. 1. 2. 3 Bam, you're already doing 60mph. Her top speed is 208mph. The fastest I've ever gone was 180mph in our old Mits. VR4. This little bitch tops out 28mph faster than that.....*shiver* Yes, please. It does the quater mile in 11.6 seconds at 125 mph. From 0 to 125 in 11.6 in the quarter. Excited yet?

She comes stock with ESP (Electronic Stability Program). This basically tightens your suspension automatically when you're going though tight curves, hugging you to the road and allowing better control of the vehicle.

She also comes with an Interactive Transmission. It's a Touch Shift Manually Interactive Transmission With SpeedShift Fingertip Manual Mode (from the site). So, in laymen's terms, that's an automatic transmission with a little button to switch it to manual if you want to shift yourself.

The dashboard is sleek and simple, but beautiful in it's starkness. It comes with all the ameneties you'd expect from a Mercedes, such as generous trunk space, three interior storage compartments, automatic climate control, a high-end stereo system - which can be upgraded to Satellite Radio - and custom-fit leather seats.

Basically, this is the perfect blend between the family sedan and the sports race car every man - or in this case, woman - dreams of. You can bring this one home to your wife and patiently explain that, yes, it does go fast and look pretty, but it's comfortable for the family as well.

We're talking about one giant orgasm waiting to happen. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine yourself behind the wheel of this amazing work of art. You have your driving gloves on, your shades are firmly affixed and you can feel the purr of the engine as you sit idle. You put the car in gear, step on the accelerator and...WHAM! Bitch goes.

I can honestly say, I don't think I've ever, in all my life, seen or heard of another car that makes me sing and purr like the McLaren. Just the thought of getting behind the wheel makes my panties wet and goosebumps pop up all over my skin.

Unfortunately, I'd need four or five Sugar Daddy's to get this bad boy....because even Daddy Warbucks might have a problem finding the funds for this one.

The price? Oh, only a sweet $455,750.

In case you were wondering...that's $151,050 more than the fully loaded 2006 Lamborghini Murcielago Coupe.

But baby, it would be worth it.

Friday, March 24, 2006


My good friend Dylan just called to let me know that she had her annual review at work and she did AWESOME! She got a promotion and a raise and they totally oozed about what an amazing worker she is!

I've always known this, of course, but I'm so glad the people she works for recongnize it as well!

GO DEE GO! You SOOO ROCK! Pop your collar and take a bow, babe. You deserve it.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Rat Bastard

As I was sitting here, staring at my computer screen with writers block, and fuming about my last call with the RB, I realized I've never really written about him before. Oh, I've mentioned him here and there, but I've never actually explained who and what he is.

At one time, the Rat Bastard was my husband.

He wasn't ever a good one, but there you have it.

We met in high school and knew each other as acquaintances for a few years. Then, when I was a junior, we ran into each other at a party and..Well, I guess that was that. The RB decided he wanted me and started pursuing me. To be totally honest, I wasn't all that attracted to him at the time. He was alright looking, but I wasn't really in the market for a man (I'd just broken up with Love #2) and I wasn't that interested, really.

But over the next week or so, he won me over. He was sweet and funny and affectionate.

After we'd been dating about a month or two (and at this point, I was already starting to fall for him...Young love and all that) his best friend called me and asked me if we could talk. I said sure and he came and picked me up.

We went for a drive and he explained to me that the RB had a girlfriend. Apparently, she was home for summer, but she and the RB had been together for several years. I was devastated. Not so much because he had a girlfriend when we started dating, but because he never mentioned her. Not once. And we'd been together pretty much 24/7 since our first date.

Well, I confronted him about it and he said, while it was true that he had a girl, they had agreed that it was alright to see other people as long as it didn't get too deep or physical. Well, we'd past that point weeks before. So he said he'd talked to her and explained, and though she was upset, she understood...And he was free to be with me.

I was young at the time. Just 16. So I didn't even think to question him. I just took him at his word. Fool that I was.

Anyway, later that summer (we started dating in May), around August, he picked a fight with me and broke it off....A week before his supposed ex came back from her parents (she was going to college in my hometown then..The RB is four years older than me, so he was a senior when I was a freshman). I knew it then, I did. I knew she was coming back to town and I knew that was the reason he'd broken it off with me, but I pretended I didn't. Love isn't just blind, it's dumb as hell, too.

We were broken up for a few weeks and then he saw me out with another of his friends (we were just hanging out, I mean, I'd known these boys most of my life) and assumed I was hooking up with him (I guess said friend had a crush on me, though I didn't realize it at the time) and he got jealous. Then, a week after that, I was in a car accident.

Nothing serious, but the RB called me, acting all concerned. We made amends and got back together.

I can't say I was ever truly happy with him. How could I be, when he never allowed me to be myself? But I did pretend like I was. My whole world revolved around him. I stopped talking to my friends (because he hated them). After we got married I quit my job (because he said a woman's place was in the home and I needed to take care of him) and basically stopped socializing. Period.

After that, things just went from bad to worse. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I gained 12lbs. And I was underweight when I got pregnant, so I wasn't big by any stretch of the imagination. I wore my regular size 5 jeans until 2 weeks before I delivered...And then I stopped being able to button them. But according to him, I was fat.

After I had her, it took me 2 weeks to get back down to the weight I was before I had her...And every day he made some smarmy comment about how fat I was. We'd be out eating in public and he'd take my plate away from me, pat my stomach and say, "You don't' really need to eat that, do you?" Or I'd order a burger and fries and he'd cut me off, telling the server, "She'll have a salad. Hold the dressing." While looking at me as if I were the ugliest woman alive.

Then the jealousy issues started. He was a monster about it. I couldn't talk to anyone, male or female, without him accusing me of sleeping with them. Even my best girlfriends. He was convinced that I wanted everyone....Except him. He made me feel so ugly and bad about myself I had absolutely no desire to sleep with him. None. I felt cold when I was with him intimately.

Then, I found out he was cheating. To be completely honest, I think I knew all along. I think a part of me knew and just chose to ignore it. What a little fool I was.

Turns out, the whole time I was with/married to him, he was sleeping with his 'ex' girlfriend (you know, the one he was done with when he met me?). And I asked him. Gosh, looking back, I still cringe in embarrassment when I think about it. So, anyway, I asked him, several times, point blank: Are you sleeping with her? Of course, he always denied it.

I think the worst part about it was...All of our friends knew. All of them. When they cheated, it was usually when they were out with the group. And she used to come to my house. She'd sit in my living room and absorb my hospitality and smile and laugh and look me in the eyes and the whole time she was FUCKING MY HUSBAND!

I hated looking the fool. But I made it worse, because I stayed with him after that. He confessed and apologized and I was so damn afraid and insecure I didn't think I could do it on my own, so I stayed.

I stayed for my kids and to save face with my family and because I honestly, truly thought I'd never do any better and because I took vows before God saying I'd be with him forever and ever Amen. I firmly believed in those vows. I didn't say them lightly and I didn't think adultery was a good enough reason to leave. I had vowed to stand beside him through good times and bad, right? Well, it was just a bad time, I reasoned with myself.

So, what made me finally leave, you're wondering. It was my children. My daughter informed me over breakfast one morning that I shouldn't eat Cream Cheese on my bagel, because my butt was too big as it was (though, I will admit, I did pack on the pounds while preggers with my son...WHOA NELLY..LOL) and daddy was going to have to find a skinnier girl if I didn't watch it.

And then Little Man sealed the deal by getting angry at me for telling him to clean his room and throwing his toy truck through the wall. That's when I realized I had to leave.

The saddest thing? I would have stayed if not for my kids. I would probably still be married to him and completely miserable.

I left him in September of 2002 for a "break". I think part of me knew I was never coming back, but I deluded myself into thinking after a break things would be fine. He'd see how important we were to him and come running back.

For 2 years I lived in that suspended state. Thinking we'd get back together soon, while living in different states.

That changed when he accused me of sleeping with his nephew. I guess that was just the final straw. His nephew is four years younger than I am and just like a little brother to me. He's a Marine and at the time he was stationed here in Cali, so I saw him every weekend that he had leave.

When the RB accused me of sleeping with his own flesh and blood, something inside of me snapped and I lost it. I told him we were done and that was that. Two days later he showed up on my doorstep to declare his undying love for me...Something he hadn't done in the 7 years we were "together".

But I held firm and went through with the divorce. I'm a much better person now than I was then. I have faith in myself and I know that no matter what happens, or who comes into my life, I'm strong enough to stand on my own.

I know now that I can lean on someone and still be strong. I know I can put on a few extra pounds and still be a beautiful person. I know that I can laugh and joke and be myself, and not feel bad if someone doesn't like me just the way I am. I don't have to change anything about myself...I'm fine, just the way I am.

Do I regret my choices? No.

Because if I hadn't gone through what I did, I wouldn't be the woman I am now...and I like her. I like her a lot.

Isn't that an amazing thing?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Quiz: What Color Green Are You?

***NOTE: I know I need to put up a real blog, soon, but I just finished all of my book blogs and I'm already exhausted. I promise a new, real blog just as soon as I can, though, really!***

You Are Olive Green

You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself.
For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself.
You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you.
People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know.

Friday, March 17, 2006

SPF: 03/17/06

It's Friday and you know what that means, right?

This comes from Random and Odd. You, too, can play. (It's addicting)

SPF is brought to you this week by the letter C:

Your Couch
Your Coat
Your Candles

Here's my couch. It's tan leather and part of a 8 piece set. It's a pull out, too, which is great.
This entire set (couch, love seat, chair, 2 end tables, 2 lamps and a coffee table) was a gift from my boss. He just recently built a new house and had his mom move in with him. Because this is soft leather and it sinks, she had a hard time getting in and out of it, so they bought new (isn't he a SUPER nice guy?) and gave me the old. Funny thing is, he'd only bought this set about 4 months before the house was done, so I basically got brand new leather furniture for...nothing. YAY ME!

This is my absolute most favorite coat. I know these aren't the best pictures, but you get the idea. I wore this to my Christmas party this year and everyone raved about it. Personally, I think it looks like a Pimp coat, but that's just me.

Acutally, I don't have any candles right now, so I'm showing you my candle holders instead. I really need to handle that, because I love candles. (Uh, Isabel...I think we need to talk...LOL)

So, did you play?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Just Another Quiz Blog

I'm bored at home today and still not feeling well enough to venture out, so I'm just playing around...*sigh*

Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front.
Shy and private, you yearn for security.
You take relationships slowly.
You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

Your Observation Skills Get A B-

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)
And it takes something big to distract you!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Death Weirdo
Your Superpower is Genetic engineering
Your Weakness is Water
Your Weapon is Your Flame Dagger
Your Mode of Transportation is Roller Skates

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

Your IQ Is 105

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Above Average

Tales of the Devil Woman: Episode 11

I've had the flu this last week. It started on Sunday night and has just seemed to get worse as the week has progressed.

I hate being sick.

Not that any of us enjoy's it, but I absolutely despise it. And the person I become.

I go from being a sane, rational, independant woman to a needy, whiny, horrible monster. I need attention. I need someone to tuck me in and rub my back and whisper in my ear that everything will be just fine.

I need my mommy.

Unfortunately, the Devil Woman doesn't do well with sickness.

When I was about 7 or 8 I got my first migraine. We lived in an old farm house in rural Illinios that was surrounded by corn fields and had no air conditioning. I was laying on the couch in the family room, in more pain than I can ever remember being in my entire life and I threw up all over the floor.

The Devil Woman, sweet, adorable, loving woman that she is, poked her head in the door, made a tsking noise and said, "Heat stroke, huh? Well, clean up the mess and then go take a cool bath. You'll feel better afterwards."

I looked up from my place on the floor and stared in dumbfounded disbelief. "Clean it up?" I asked weakly.

"Well, you know if I try, I'll just get sick myself. So yes, clean it up."

I could have argued that I was ill. I could have told her that it wasn't heat stroke but the worst headache in the history of headaches. I could have told her I had a brain tumor and was sure to be dead in less than a month (What? I swear I felt like it), but instead I just....cleaned it up.

You would think I'd have learned my lesson from that experience, but alas, I continue to dilude myself into thinking The Devil Woman will take care of me when I get ill. Yes, even after all this time.

So, I wake up this morning sick as a dog, but determined to go to work. I have several files to work on and I really don't want to sit at home and stare at the walls again (or the inside of the toilet bowl, for that matter), so I force myself into the shower and head off to work an hour later than usual.

I finally get there and immediately rush into the bathroom and greet my new best friend, the Porceline god. As I'm laying there, with my cheek resting on the seat, the little girl in me (who still hasn't given up) is longing for my mother.

I finish my business (very unpleasant business, might I add), rinse my mouth, splash cold water on my face and stumble out into the office, ready and willing to accept all the motherly concern The Devil Woman can offer.

Instead, everyone was huddled into a corner on the opposite side of the office, hissing at me. DW says, "Go home." I just kind of looked at her. "I'm not getting sick," she said. Cookie puts a file in front of her face and the rest of the office cover their mouths and noses with their hands.

I start walking towards my desk, intent on doing something, and DW puts her fingers up in front of her in the sign of a cross. "Back away from the desk."

I stop and she smiles. Then she says, "Go home. We don't want to end up sick, too. We love you, but go home."

I says, in a perfectly whiny little girl voice that I perfected at age 3, "Go home? GO HOME?" Then I sniffle. "I'm sick." Well, duh.

DW rolls her eyes. "Yes, baby, I can see that you're sick. Now go home."

I start walking towards her, determined to be comforted, and the blasted woman nearly falls on her butt in her haste to get away from me. I stop walking and sniffle again and my boss yells from inside his office, "Go the hell home!"

I look around at everyone - still huddling in the corner - pick up my bag and shuffle to the door. I look back over my shoulder and DW shoo's me. I sigh and say bye, then open the door, my head hanging. "Spawn?" Upon hearing DW's voice my head whips up and I turn around so fast I nearly pass out (I was pretty weak at that point).

"Yes?" I say, certain that she's going to rush forward and offer to take care of me. This is a glorious day. The birds are chirping, the sky is cloudless and DW is going to place a cold compress on my brow and offer me hot tea.

"Don't come in tomorrow if you're still sick, got it?"

Oh, boy, did I get it.

"Oh, and Spawn?"

I warily turned my head again, "Huh?"

"I love you."

Uh-huh, sure she does. *sniffle* I bet in some countries they consider that a form of child abuse.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Movies: Cinderella Man

During the Great Depression, a common-man hero, James J. Braddock--a.k.a. the "Cinderella Man"--was to become one of the most surprising sports legends in history. By the early 1930s, the impoverished ex-prizefighter was seemingly as broken-down, beaten-up and out-of-luck as much of the rest of the American populace who had hit rock bottom. His career appeared to be finished, he was unable to pay the bills, the only thing that mattered to him--his family--was in danger, and he was even forced to go on Public Relief. But deep inside, Jim Braddock never relinquished his determination. Driven by love, honor and an incredible dose of grit, he willed an impossible dream to come true. In a last-chance bid to help his family, Braddock returned to the ring. No one thought he had a shot. However Braddock, fueled by something beyond mere competition, kept winning. Suddenly, the ordinary working man became the mythic athlete. Carrying the hopes and dreams of the disenfranchised on his shoulders, Braddock rocketed through the ranks, until this underdog chose to do the unthinkable: take on the heavyweight champ of the world, the unstoppable Max Baer, renowned for having killed two men in the ring. ]

What an amazing, uplifting story. I'm not a huge fan of Russell Crowe, or of Renee Zellweger for that matter, but they both played amazing parts in this Underdog turned American Hero story.

Watching Braddock's struggle to survive and provide for his family in depression-era New York was heartbreaking. I've always been interested in that time-period and I felt that Ron Howard did an excellent job of showing us the true suffering of the American People.

Seeing how Jim Braddock and his family went from being on top of the world to living in poverty was heartbreaking. But even so, he didn't give up his integrety or morals for anything.

Seeing him beg for money and almost lose his family had me choking up. And when he finally went back into the boxing ring, I was so pumped I cheered at the T.V.

This is a definite must see!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

2 by 2

Two by Two's

Saw this on Teena's blog ...

Two names you go by
1. Holly
2. Holls

Two parts of your heritage
1. Italian
2. German

Two things that scare you
1. 'S' Things (they have a lot of legs...*SHUDDER*)
2. Heights

Two of your everyday essentials
1. Coffee
2. Pepsi

Two things you are wearing right now
1. Jacket
2. Velvet Capri's

Two of your favorite bands or musical artists
1. The Eagles
2. Eric Clapton

Two physical things that appeal to you
1. Smile
2. Eyes

Two of your favorite hobbies
1. Writing
2. Reading

Two things you want really badly
1. Perky Breasts
2. New shoes

Two places you want to go on vacation
1. England
2. Australia

Two things you want to do before you die
1. Drive on the Autobon
2. Learn to speak fluent Italian

Two things you are thinking about now
1. Going home to a hot bath and a good book
2. If I want to change the layout of my blog

Two favorite web sites

Two favorite sports (to watch and/or play)
1. Football (Go Packers)
2. Softball

Two people who will fill this out
1. Isabel
2. Dylan

Two things you did last night
1. Watched Cinderella Man
2. Read a book

Two shows you like to watch
1. Family Guy
2. Grey's Anatomy

Two places you like to go to:
1. The Beach
2. Borders

Two favorite subjects in school:
1. English/Literatrue
2. History

Two favorite places to eat:
1. Macaronni Grill
2. Red Lobster

Two things you like about yourself (physically):
1. My eyes
2. My smile

Two things you ate today:
1. Chicken Salad Sandwich
2. Green Veggie Soup

Two people you last talked to:
1. Escrow
2. Lender

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Work
2. Little Man's baseball practice

Monday, March 13, 2006

Quiz: Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile


You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."


You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.


You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.


You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Book Pimp: Summer Breeze by Catherine Anderson

Catherine Anderson goes back into Coulter family history with this tender historical love story set in 1889. The first meeting between Joseph Paxton and Rachel Hollister gets started with a bang, literally, as Rachel picks up her shotgun and fires. Rachel has barricaded herself in her family home ever since the rest of her family was murdered five years ago. Only Darby McClintoch, an old family friend, is allowed in the perimeter to bring her provisions; but when he is shot, the sheriff immediately thinks the Hollister family killer has returned. Darby prevails on Joseph to take up guard duty, but first Rachel has to be persuaded he is not an enemy. How Joseph falls in love with Rachel -- agoraphobia and all -- and ultimately gets past the barricade is a charming story, vintage Anderson. Rachel's recovery, aided by friends and the community as well as Joseph's dog Buddy, progresses steadily -- that is, until the Hollister family murderer steps forward. From Amazon by Ginger Curwen

What an amazing love story.

We all fear something. Whether we have a true phobia - such as my fear of the S word - or just something that makes us break out in goosebumps, we all know what it's like to be afraid of something.

Rachel Hollister's fear is that of being in an open space. Her family was brutally murdered right in front of her while they were out for a picnic. As a result, she hasn't stepped outside her home in five years.

Her faithful friend, the enderly Darby, has done everything in his power to make her a sanctuary inside her home. He barricaded all the windows and doors and converted her kitchen into as comfortable a place as possible for her.

Though Rachel knows her fears are irrational, they're there all the same, and she can't overcome them. She refuses to leave her small kitchen for any reason, and can't even open a door or window to allow sunlight in. For five long years she lived in absolute silence, with no natural light.

To keep herself occupied, she read books and crocheted. She spoke with Darby through the door of her home and that was the only company she had.

Until Darby is shot in the back and manages to ride to the neighboring Paxton ranch in search of help. Joseph Paxton finds him and promises to look after Rachel. Darby is convinced his being shot has something to do with the murder of Rachel's family and fears for her saftey.

As Joseph breaks into Rachel's home, he expects to find a crazy young woman, and instead encounters a lovely creature he's immediately taken with. He comes to realize that Rachel isn't crazy at all, only frightened.

Watching this story unfold has been a wonderful experience for me. Seeing Joseph do everything in his power to make Rachel's world one filled with sunlight and birdsong really touched me.

Since Rachel's fear is based on open spaces, Joseph hits upon the idea of installing metal doors with bars on them so she can enjoy the sunlight and still feel enclosed. Then one of the town's populace hits upon the idea of building her a stone-walled courtyard with an iron-work ceiling so it's completely enclosed, therefore allowing Rachel to be outside. They called it:

"Sunshine for Rachel."

Watching Rachel emerge from her self-imposed prison and into the sunshine for the first time in five years made my heart swell and my eyes sting with tears. Joseph's reaction to Rachel in the sunshine touched me more deeply than any other tender moment in a romance novel. I could feel their emotions as she turned her face to the sun for the first time in so many years.

She was halfway across the courtyard before it struck her that she was outside. Oh, God, outside. She staggered to a stop, frozen in her tracks. Her heart pounded violently. But nothing else happened. She could still breathe. She just felt a little dizzy and disoriented. "Joseph?"
"You're fine, sweetheart. You've got walls all around you. Look at them. Name me anything that can go through that rock."
She let her head fall back to put her face up to the sun. The gentle warmth on her skin was beyond wonderful. She held her arms wide and turned again, filling her lungs with fresh, cool morning air.

Joseph asks Rachel to marry him and the following scene is so touching. Rachel refuses him, saying she can't have a family living the way she does.

"What would I do? Push them out the wood safe to see them off to school?" She gestured with her free hand the encompass the kitchen. "A family can't live in one room."
"I'll make it work," he whispered. "I swear to you, darlin'. I can make it work. No hallways to frighten you, just a big room like this with water closets all around, only they'll be bedrooms, with you in the big room, living as you do now, never needing to go outside unless it's to sit in your courtyard or work in your flower beds."

The murder of her family was left unsolved all those years ago, and Joseph and his lawman brother David set out to find the missing pieces of the puzzle, hoping to keep Rachel safe and finally give her closure.

The story was sweet and amazing and one of the most touching I've read in a long time. It's not very often that you read a murder-mystery that's sweet and compelling as well.

I'll leave you with my favorite quote from the book. Something Joseph said to Rachel that touched my heart.

When I first met you, I thought I was opening up the world for you, but I was so wrong. You were the one who opened up all of my windows so I could see the beauty beyond the glass.

5 out of 5

Friday, March 10, 2006

Quiz: What American City Are You?

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.
You're totally weird and very proud of it.
Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.

Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick


Thursday, March 09, 2006

Car Pick of the Week: BMW 760Li

My favorite Shoeaholic Sistah and Purse Passionate Pal do a spotlight of the week to highlight their favorite obsessions. I think it's a great idea and on my way to work this morning I was thinking, What would I like to spotlight? Gracie-girl has taken shoes, and while I'm certainly a shoeaholic, I'm not obsessed, so I wouldn't want that one anyway.
Dylan does purses, and while I can certainly appreciate a cute bag to go with the right shoes, I'm not really feeling that, either.
I love men, but again, Dee's got that handled...Soo, what's left?

I pondered this all the way to work, and just as I was pulling into the parking lot at my office I realized exactly what my obsession is.

Cars. Motorcycles. Trucks.

Just as I was turning in to my parking lot, a BMW 760Li Sedan swept past me and I nearly creamed in my drawers.

We're talking about a thing of beauty and a marvel of modern technology. I generally prefer my sports cars to be sporty and light...with a lot of horsepower. But I'm making an exception for this one.

It comes standard with a 12-cylinder engine, 6.0 liter DOHC, 48-valve, 438-hp. It's Bluetooth Compatible and has Rear-wheel drive. 438 Horse Power. Yep, I'm definitely wet here.

Now, while it looks pretty and drives fast, that's not the only thing that attracts me to it. The interior is beautiful. But even that could be overlooked for all of the options this baby comes stocked with.

We're talking everything you could possibly imagine here. Vehicle & Key Memory, Keyless entry with multi-function remote control, Remote trunk release , Power soft-close automatic doors and trunklid, Power windows with key-off operation and anti-trapping feature.
Automatic front climate control with full separate left/right controls, solar sensor, automatic recirculation, heat-at-rest feature, left/right temperature-controlled rear outlets, auto ventilation. Power 2-way moonroof with key-off and “one-touch” operation, conceal panel and wind deflector. Dual power/heated automatic-dimming outside mirrors.
This bitch even has a Universal Transceiver integrated into the rear-view mirror housing (totally stole that from the BMW site). Wondering what that is? It's your gargae door opener, built right into the rear-view mirror. I'm practically dripping here.

But it gets better.

The glove compartment comes with it's own recharagable flashlight. The windshield wipers are rain-sensing with electronically controlled, reversible wiper motor. It has a heated steering wheel.

That's all stock. But you can upgrade and get rear climate control with rear coolbox and the entertainment package which includes a color monitor, a six CD/DVD Multimedia Changer, and headphone jacks; all controlled through the rear seat iDrive controller. Rear seat passengers can also listen to their choice of CD's through headphone jacks connected to the center armrest in the rear compartment.

You can also add Satellite Radio, in dash.

But my absolute most favorite feature? You're gonna love this...

She comes with her very own cell phone. Yes, you read right, her own cell phone.

Now, we're not talking about a jack for you to plug yours into, but a car that comes with it's own cell number. It's a hands free system that's voice activated and comes through the speakers. Now, let's say you're on a call and you arrive at your destination, but you're not ready to hang up. What do you do? You pull the handset out of the center council and go on your merry way.

I'm telling you, this is a girls wet dream come to life. I'm pretty sure when I was on the BMW website building my own, I had the orgasm of my life.

Come to Mama.

You can own one of these yourself for the cool price of:

Standard: $118, 900
With Options: $133,085

Now, where's my Sugar Daddy?

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