Thursday, June 15, 2006

Tales of the Devil Woman: Episode 15

As those of you who are mothers know, it's up to us to teach our children how to grow up and be responsible, caring, well behaved teenagers and adults. Every day we take on the arduous challenge of teaching our children manners, life lessons and morals. We fight with them. We comfort them. We teach them how to clean themselves and care for themselves.

Oh, how many times I've silently prayed that I was doing well, or wished I had a manual that would give me step-by-step instructions for raising strong, wonderful children, who have compassion, strength and character. I've also prayed for them to be well behaved.

The Devil Woman, however, has taken parenting to a whole new level. Yes, Dear Readers, she's moved from teaching us children moral lessons and daily actions to teaching her dogs. Yes, her dogs.

Now, we all know it's our responsibility as pet owners to train our dogs and teach them tricks, when possible. But DW is the only woman I know who takes pet training to the next level...leading by example.

Almost a year ago, DW and I heard about a woman who was giving away puppies for the cost of their first set of shots. Since we were both interested in having a pet - me for my children and her to fill the void left by her now empty nest - we called the woman and made an appointment to see her. We both decided to accept a puppy and she took a male while I took a female. To sum that up for you, her dog and my dog are brother and sister. She named her dog Luke, after the movie Cool Hand Luke, so that when she was training him she could say, "Now what we have here is a failure to communicate." Uh-huh, she has issues.

Now, as any responsible pet owner knows, you have to start training your new puppy as soon as possible after purchasing them. But the training DW gave her dog? Well, let's just say it was a bit...unconventional.

About six months ago Cookie and I are outside with DW and she's complaining about how her dog has been digging all kinds of holes all over the yard (something my dog does as well). She was bitching and moaning about it for a good ten minutes and then she she brightened up and said, "I know how to fix this." Cookie and I exchanged a look and didn't ask any questions. From past experience, we knew better.

So, a few days later DW comes in and is just happy as a clam, because she'd taught her dog where it was ok to dig in the yard. How did she do that? Well, she showed him, of course.

I mean, literally showed him.

She took him out into the back yard, made him follow her over to where she wanted him to dig, and then dug a hole herself. With her hands. Like they were paws.

*pause for laughter to die down*

Then she placed a bone in the hole and proceeded to cover it up. With her hands. Like they were paws.

*another pause for laughter*

All the while talking to him in a sweet, soothing tone of voice one might use when trying to teach a toddler how to stack blocks on top of each other. *stares*

But wait, it gets better...

A few months later, my dad and son took said dog to the vet. While they were there a woman came in with a fairly large puppy and my dad remarked that he was a beautiful dog, to which the woman replied, "Well, do you want him?" Turns out she was serious and my dad and my son called and sweet talked my mom into letting them bring it home. This time, my dad picked out the name. He went with Buckskin Joe. Then he said they needed to get a female dog and name her Texas, so that he could said, Luke n Buck Texas (Luckenbach, Texas). They're perfect for each other, aren't they? (Isn't he just the cutest thing ever?? The dog, I mean. I had to clarify that, because when I let the Devil Woman read this she got all irritated. "Why is he the cutest thing ever and I'm The Devil Woman? You're such a daddy's girl!" I said, "Ma, I was talkin' about the dog." She shut up real quick, but I couldn't stop laughing).

Before you ask, yes, she taught him to dig, too. The dog, I mean, not my dad.

Anyway, DW comes in to work the other day and she's telling me and Cookie how she bought this little plastic pool for the dogs because it gets really hot here in the summer. Do you see where this is going? Yup, she had to teach them how to swim.

So she climbed into the pool and laid down and moved around. Then got up and walked around and then cajoled the dogs in with her. She splashed water on them and got down on her knees like she was a dog and, well, showed them how to swim. In a little plastic kiddy pool in her back yard. Where the neighbors could see.

You have no idea how bad I'm regretting moving so close to her. In such a small town.

Instead of the crazy Cat Lady mother, I got the crazy Dog Lady mother.

Lucky me.


Isabel said...

*picturing your mom in kiddie pool teaching dogs to swim* LMAO!!!

*Picturing your mom teaching dogs to dig* LMAO!

Mailyn said...

OMG doggies!!!!!!!! Waaaaaahhhh!!!!!! *runs around the room like a maniac*

OMG cute doggies!!!!!!

Sorry, I still can't get over the cute doggies. :P

ames said...

Oh my god!! That puppy is gorgeous! I'm so jealous. I'll send Max to you if you send Buck to me. C'mon - you're tempted aren't you? LOL

You're mom is unconventional - but it works. And she's funny. I'm still laughing imagining DW teaching dogs how to swim in a kiddie pool.

Holly said...

Yup, my mom's a little strange, Izzy! haha

Mailyn and Ames, isn't Buck the cutest thing ever?? I just love him to death. These pics are kind of old, you should see how big he is now.

Ames, I really AM tempted. When I told DW that she said, "How convenient, you're willing to trade MY dog." I said, "Duh." LOL

ames said...

Have you shown DW pics of Max?

Holly said...

I sure have, and the videos, too, but you're doomed, because my dad has always wanted a Jack Russel and therefore DW just absolutely refuses to acknowledge his cuteness. LOL She's evil like that...;)

Fickle Fiona said...

LMAO Spawn!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ames said...

Ohh, Holly you got spammed!

Has your dad seen vid/pics of Max? He can get his JRT fix through that. LOL

Let DW know I think her dogs are cute - maybe she'll soften up to Max. :)

Holly said...

Ugh! I've been putting it off, but I guess I'mma hafta turn the word verif thingy on. *sigh* Stupid spammers!

I showed my dad the vids of Max and he got that glossy eyed look that means he's scheeming. hehehe We'll see how long DW holds out....

Grace said...

LMAOLMAO!! Oh Holly, I do so love your mama! She's too funny!!!

And awwww, those pictures are freakin' ADORABLE!!!!

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