Hello, my name is Spawn and I'm addicted to shoes. It's been 1 day, 22 hours and seven minutes since I bought my last pair.
I have clogs and boots and hooker heels and flip-flops and strappy sandals and running shoes and slippers.
Some of them have rhinestones. Some have glitter. Some have fat soles and some have thin. Some have three inch heels and others are less than half an inch. They come up to my ankles, my calves, my knees, my thighs.
I have red ones, blue ones, green ones, yellow ones, grey ones, purple ones. A ton of black ones. I even have pair of Orange shoes.
Some are plain jane, some are funky. Some have words written on them. Some are open-toed, some are closed. Basically, if you have a pair of shoes, chances are I have the same pair or one very similar.
This is, sadly, another thing I inherited from the Devil Woman.
I know that I have somewhere around 150 pairs of shoes...and that no where rivals the amount the Devil Woman owns.
We're discussining the renovations of her house recently and the topic of shoes comes up.
DW: So, in the closet, there will be floor to ceiling shelves where I can store my shoes.
Me: *skeptical look* That's it? Where are you going to put the rest?
DW: What, I don't have that many...
Me: *Raises eyebrows*
DW: Well, I have the closets in the other two rooms, as well.
Me: And what are you going to do with the rest of them?
DW: In the linen closet in the bathroom there's a little cubby. I'm going to put them in there.
Me: How big is it? Because you need one at least the size of your house to store them all.
DW: Now you're exagerating. Well, sort of.
And yet another conversation we had recently:
DW: Hey, let me see those shoes. (Said in scary, I'm from hell voice)
Me: What? These old things?
DW: Ooohh. I haven't seen those before. Let me try one on.
Me: No. These are my shoes. Besides, you're hooves won't fit in them.
DW: Just for that, I'm not bringing you those cute Sketchers I just bought.
Me: Did I say hooves? I meant, sure try them on.
DW: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Oh, but it gets better...or worse, depending on how you look at it:
My phone rings
DW: *whispering* I'm at Macy's.
Me: What the hell is all that noise in the background? It sounds like a damn stampeed.
DW: *still whispering* Uh...what are you doing later?
Me: Why? And why are you whispering?
DW: Uh, there was a little...altercation.
Me: *resigned sigh*
DW: Hey, I swear I had them first.
My Other Line Beeps In, it's my friend that works at Macy's
Friend: Did I just see your mom take down another woman over some shoes?
Me: *indignant gasp* NO! She would never. Gotta go.
Click back over to DW
Me: So, are they cute?
And these are the days of our lives.....
Excerpt: No Limits by Lori Foster
7 hours ago