A few months ago MM decided he wanted to get a puppy. I know he's been wanting one for years, but I'm not sure what made him decide that he needs one now. Maybe it's because he just bought his first house, or maybe it's because he's feeling like a grown up with his career, or maybe it's because I have the best dog ever and he's jealous. Though I'm pretty sure it's because he lives alone in a three bedroom house and is just plain lonely.
At first he wanted to get a Great Dane. I'm sorry, but how bout... NOOOO! First of all, the damn thing would be HUGE and I'm not a big person..I'm sorry, but in my opinion, you can't have a dog that's bigger than you are. That's just wrong. Second of all, they're dumb as posts. They're sweet. And cute to look at, but they're just dumb. No two ways about it.
But he wasn't hearing any of that. He ordered books on the care of them, he researched breeders online. He had hour long debates with himself (out loud, I might add) about the color he wanted. He shoved countless pictures in front of my nose and proceeded to say girly things like, "But aren't they CUUUUTE honey?"
Through it all, I just sort of rolled my eyes and bit my tongue. I figured that, just like it so often happens with my children, he'd grow out of that phase and move on to something more realistic.
Then his sister called. And it all went downhill from there.
Apparently her Black Lab had puppies and she decided to offer one of them to MM. He thought about it and decided he'd take a look at them to see if he was interested (at this point he was still pretty set on the Great Dane). Of course, after about fifteen minutes of listing the pros and cons of buying a Great Dane or being given a Black Lab, he was leaning towards the Black Lab.
I like to take a moment to make a confession here. I know it's going to be hard for some of you to believe, but I've always tried to be honest and now is not the time to shy away from the truth.
I panicked. Plain and simple.
Up to this point, the dog thing - in my opinion - was nothing more than a passing interest that would soon fade away. But his sister offering a dog was a totally different situation. This was a now kind of thing. You and I both know that once a man decides he wants something, if you give him enough time and distract him with other things, he'll get over it. Unless, of course, the object of his original desire is paraded around right in front of him. In that case, the Penis somehow becomes involved and he turns into a complete, stubborn mental case that can hear nothing but his own voice and the throbbing sensation in that ruling member. It's disturbing.
So, there I was, staring at him with barely disguised horror, and he was going on and on about his black lab this and his black lab that. Yes, you read right, his. Now he'd attached ownership to it. Everyone knows once a man attaches ownership to something he's never going to give it up. I think that's why they name their aforementioned parts. Then it really belongs to them, you know?
So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I offered him sex.
It worked, too. There was no more talk about dogs, Great Danes or otherwise.
Until two days later, when his sister called again. It's really too bad that I like her so much, because man, I would really enjoy hating her right now.
After that, I sat him down and explained, very reasonably, why it just wasn't feasable for him to get a dog right now. He works long hours. He's never home. He hardly has time for himself or me, much less a pet. They're expensive. It needs to be trained. You know what he heard?
Blah, blah, blah. Matter of fact, that's all he's still hearing...Blah. Blah. Blah. The jerk. Like I'm not making valid points here? Like it's really OK to leave the damn dogs ALONE in the garage ALL FLIPPING DAY LONG? Like I don't have a brain in my head to think with? What, this isn't the 21st century? Women haven't been liberated after all? Like he hasn't told me 500 times that he loves how intellegent I am? Yeah, forgot about that, didn't you buddy.
Eh-hem. But I digress.
Do you know how I know he heard absolutely NOTHING of what I said? Because as soon as I finished talking, he said, "So, I'll just hold off on getting the Great Dane for a year or so."
Oh. Hell. No.
I'm a dog lover, but even my compassionate self has a limit..and having three dogs is it (that would be my one, his Black Lab puppy and eventually his Great Dane. NO, we don't live together...yet. But every freakin day he mentions WHEN WE GET MARRIED, so I figure it's a logical conclusion that we will, EVENTUALLY, move in together, right? Well, I thought so, too). At this point, I kind of lost it. What woman wouldn't, after realizing she's basically been talking to a brick wall for the better part of an hour? Exactly.
I very firmly pointed out that under absolutely NO circumstances what-so-ever would he ever convince me to have three dogs at one time. For one thing, Little Man has allergy issues and three dogs would be too much for him. For another thing, do you have any idea how much dog crap there would be with three dogs? Especially with one the size of a Great Dane? Can we say, NASTY?
So, about three weeks ago he had to go home for a wedding and he stopped by his sister's house to see the puppies. I knew he was going to do this. He didn't lie about it or try to hide it or anything. I mean, I did know. But, I guess a part of me just figured he'd come to his senses and get over it before then, right?
So, I'm having a pleasant evening out with Daphne, shopping for books, when MM shows up (this is after he's been gone all weekend for the wedding). He comes into the bookstore and offers me Starbucks. I should have known then, but, being the sappy idiot I am, I figured he'd just missed me. *snort*
So, he hands me the coffee and makes nice, kissing me and hugging me tight, telling me he missed me like crazy. Then he turns me around so my back is to his front, wraps his arms around me, lays his chin on my head and says, in this little boy voice he probably started using on his mom when he was three to get out of trouble, "Honey? How much do you love me?"
Me, not being an absolute moron, immediately got suspicious. "Why? What do you want?" He said, "I don't want anything, I just wondered how much you love me." I said - because of course I'm still sketpical - "Uh-huh. What did you do?" He paused and then he mumbled under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like, "I picked out two puppies."
Of course, I immediately assumed my hearing was faulty, because no man, Penis driven or not, would have the balls to tell his girlfriend that he'd picked out not one, but two puppies after the arguement and valid points she'd raised not even a few days before, right?
Oh, you're so wrong.
I turned to face him. "I'm sorry, but what did you say?" I asked - in my sweet as honey voice that anyone who knows me understands is really the equivolent of DW's Scary, I'm from hell voice - "You didn't just say what I think you said, did you?"
At this point he took a step back. Hey, I never said the boy was stupid. He kind of nodded and I took a deep breath to lay into him. The he held up his hands, flashed me that little boy grin that always makes my knees weak and said, "But you didn't see them, honey. They were so cute. And they both loved me. I couldn't take just one."
Oh. My. Gosh.
"That's such a girl thing to say," I snidely informed him. I mean, really, what self-respecting man uses an arguement like that? Well, mine, apparently.
We argued about it for a few minutes and then I dropped it. Not permanently, of course. Just for the moment. I mean, really, it wasn't the time or the place.
So, for the last three weeks we've been going rounds over this. My original points haven't changed. His arguement is that they'll be fine because they have each other to play with.
So he's at his sister's today and calls to let me know he's bringing the dogs home. I tried not to argue with him about it, I swear I did. But I just couldn't help myself.
So, we went another round. Then, stupid male that he is, he tells me that his brother-in-law agrees with him. Oh, like that makes it ok? Then he tells me that he and his BIL decided that it's ok to get the Great Dane after all...so now we're talking about FOUR DOGS! Yes, you read that right, FOUR MOTHERF'ING DOGS!
After I finished banging my head against the wall, I chenched my teeth and told him exactly what I thought about that. Then he said, "Since I can tell you're really upset about this, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go ahead and give you permission to get rid of your dog. See, I can compromise."
Well, isn't he just sweeter than peach pie on a hot summer's day?
I said, "Better yet, why don't you and your three dogs stay at your house and me and my one dog and two kids will stay at my house and then we won't have a problem. Ever."
He got quiet for a minute and then he said, "You knew about this. Why are you so bothered?" At this point, I figured a little guilt trip was in order. "Because," I said, "I guess a part of me always figured you'd realize how upset I'd be about this and decide to go with just one dog. You know, to make me happy?" The jerkface said, "Oh, hunh. Sucks to be you then, doesn't it?"
To make matters even worse, in true Devil Woman form, my mother sided with him. She immediately started gushing over how sweet and adorable these puppies - you know, the ones she's never even seen before - are. Then she said, "I'm going to have to talk to that boy." I'm feeling vindicated at this point. Surely she means to set him straight about being a dumbhead, right? "You see, the way to go about it is to bring home one puppy, let you fall in love with it and then about six months later bring home the next one. Don't worry, I'll be sure to set him straight." Yeah, not exactly what I had in mind, either.
Later he called to ask her what kind of flea collars to get and she asked him what he was going to name them. He said he thought he'd let my kids name them - yeah, he went there, trying to undermine me with my own kids - because the best names he could come up with were Mr. Black and Mr. Blue, "you know, from that one movie?" DW said, "Oh, you mean what you're going to be after your wife gets ahold of you." Yes, she actually said that. Your wife.
Freakin Devil Woman.
So, needless to say - or you wouldn't be reading this blog - MM is bringing his two puppies home today, the devil woman is egging him on and my Co-Worker is convinced this whole situation was a scam to get me to marry him sooner.
Yep, I've offically gone to hell.
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