Thursday, January 12, 2006

Oh, To Be A Man

Today, I have Penis Envy. This happens to me occasionally, usually around a *certain* time of the month. I start the day thinking about how *horrible it is to be me*, and then progress into the *if only I were a man* stage, which, eventually, turns into full blown Penis Envy.

What would it be like, I wonder, to pick my nose in public, make crass jokes for my own amusement and that of my friends, scratch myself in *interesting* places, and be, in general, a complete idiot? Today, it sounds like heaven.

I could pretend stupidity when my signifigant other complains that I didn't do my share of the housework. I could plant myself in front of the T.V., watch football, drink beer, and be forgiven for assuming the SO (signifigant other) will wait on me hand and foot.

I could date a woman half my age, drive around in a sports car, wear a bad hair piece or bad comb-over and still be envied by my friends.

I could have sex and be guaranteed an oragsm every single time.

I could be bitchy and whiny and an all around asshole and not have it blamed on *PMS*. Hmm, actually, I wouldn't get PMS at ALL!

But, of course, the main reason I have Penis Envy? I could pee standing up. Oh, the joy! To be able to whip it out without thought or reason and handle my bizness....Heaven, pure heaven.

7 comments:

Isabel said...

That is great. DOn't forget leave dirty laundry and the wife/girlfriend pick up after you too.

Lord, sometimes i have the same thought.

Holly said...

Ohhh...good point. I hate that.

Dylan said...

I like being a girl, because I like swishy skirts, I don't think a man can pull that one off, do you? LOL.

Holly said...

LMAO! Well, they might could..isn't a kilt the equivolent of a swishy skirt?

Grace said...

LMAO Dee and Holls! Swishy skirts and kilts. Too funny.

I swear Holls, I always, ALWAYS bust up whenever I hear you say Penis Envy. LOL.

Advizor said...

The longer I'm married, the more I like being a man.
I like to pee standing up, on the side of the running trail, while facing traffic, behind a tree, next to the busiest street in LA.
I like being able to do my own taxes, open my own jars, fart without apology, stare at beautiful women and only get slapped occasionally.

Holly said...

Oh sure, rub it in. It's just not fair that I can't have a penis, too.

Well, except for that sex thing. I rather enjoy things from my end in that regard...but the rest of the time? I want one of my very own.

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