Monday, January 23, 2006

The Ex's

Everyone has stories about their ex's. Whether they're funny, or sad, or sweet, or stupid, or frustrating, pretty much everyone has tales to share.

When MM and I first started dating, we had "THE TALK". You know the one...I had such and such happen in such and such relationship and so on and so forth. Most couples share these stories at one time or another in their relationship, and we were no exception.

However, last night, we had "THE TALK" again, only with much more detail included.

Normally I wouldn't share the stories from his past relationships with everyone else, but I just can't help myself after a comment he made last night. He said - Sweet, Wonderful boyfriend that he is - "Really, honey, after my past relationships, you're like a diamond in a big, fat pile of Shit." Yes, he actually compared me to shit. Perhaps I should have taken offense to being compared to a pile of shit, but after he related these stories, I just couldn't bring myself to care.

Now, as a woman, I know it's not right for me to mock and make fun of his previous girlfriends. No, really, it's wrong and I shouldn't do it. Knowing it's wrong isn't going to stop me from doing it, however. *evil laugh*

So, in order of appearance:

Girlfriend #1: The Stage 3 Stalker

This was his first serious girlfriend. Unlike me, he didn't date much in high school (I said date, not sleep around..SHEESH), and he didn't have his first semi-serious relationship until he was a Junior (for my Australia readers, that's 11th years..hehe).
Basically, it went down like this:
They started dating. After they'd been together for a few months (I may be wrong about the timeline, but I think that's correct) she demanded that he decide what religion they were going to get married in and what they were going to name their kids.
Needless to say, he got out of that one quick.

Enter Girlfriend #2: Doesn't like Alf Girl:

I'm sure you'll remember from previous blogs, such as Meet The Parents, Alf is MM's best friend. They've known each other since grade school and they love each other like brothers. MM knows if he ever needs anything, Alf will be there and vice verse. Even before I met him, I knew that Alf was a major part of MM's life, like it or not. Though I hadn't met him, I already knew I would like him just from listening to MM tell stories about him and etc.
Apparently not so with Doesn't Like Alf Girl. She decided before she met him that he was a "bad influence" on MM and that she didn't like him because of it. You know how boys are, they get into all kinds of trouble with their boy's when they're younger, right? Well, from what I understand, DLAG didn't think MM could make decisions for himself and didn't want him spending time with Alf, apparently fearing for his soul if he did.
After about 10 months, she finally gave him an utlimatim: Her or Alf. MM said, "If you force me to make that decision, you're going to lose. Are you sure you don't want to rephrase that?" She apologized and he continued to see her, but he knew the end was near. It finally came when she told him she fully expected him to sit home and pine for her when they couldn't see each other.
Hmm, can I say PSYCHO any louder here?
When he broke up with her it turned into a very dramtic scene with her threatening to end her life. He basically told her that she wasn't going to do that, because if she did it would only confirm for him that "She was completely unbalanced".
But it gets better....
Apparently a couple of days after he broke up with her, her mom showed up at his work to "discuss" his relationship with her daughter and "see" if they couldn't work things out. She also wanted to "reassure" herself that he wasn't seeing someone else or cheating.
Now, I can understand, as a parent, being concerned about your overwrought daughter. I can even see, as a parent, wanting to talk with the man who broke your daughters heart. If she were a child or a teenager. Unfortunately - and much to my amusement - that wasn't the case with DLAG. She was 20. Yes, I said 20.

Moving right along...

Girlfriend #3: The Stage 5 Clinger

This was his first girlfriend in the Marines. He met her shortly after boot camp and they started dating. 2 weeks later, she proposed. MM, of course, accepted. Yes, I said accepted. She even gave him a ring.
See, it was like this: He'd just come off of a training excerise and hadn't slept in three days, so he just wanted to have sex and sleep for 14 hours straight. When she proposed he figured, "Say no, go through a bunch of drama, go without nookie. Say yes, have sex, go to sleep. Easy answer here."
Now you know and I know it doesn't work that way, but we'll forgive him because he was tired (or this is what I'm telling myself anyway).
About a week (forgive me if my timeline is off here. I was so busy laughing I missed the exact time frame when he told me about it) after he accepted he was transferred to Virginia and she stayed here. He got a call about three weeks later from a good friend of his saying that he'd heard that TS5C had cheated on him. MM called her and she denied it, but eventually came clean that yes, she did.
He attempted to break it off with her, but she threw a hissy fit and he relented. Then, in a desperate attempt to be free of her at last, he staged a mock-fight with his bunkmate and convinced her he was totally off the wall.
As far as I know, he hasn't heard from her since.

That brings us to...

Girlfriend #4: The Cheater

Not having dated much in high school, once he joined the Marines, he went through a "date around" stage. You know how it is, you date someone for a few weeks, you don't connect, so you date one of her friends instead?
Apparently TC falls into that category. She had a small child (perhaps you'll remember from Our First Date that one of his major concerns about me having children was my relationship with my ex. He told me then, briefly, about The Cheater.
It seems that her ex was a real piece of work who had left her for a younger, virginal girl. Since said girl wasn't putting out, every so often he would show up, plead for forgiveness, hit it and quit it. I'm thinking our girl wasn't too bright, because she kept falling for it, but that's just me.
So, as I'm sure you've guessed by now, this happened again after he'd been dating her approx. three weeks. The biggest problem I have with this is apparently they (her and MM) slept together the night before she cheated...So she was about 8 hours out of his bed before she hopped into another one with her ex. Can we say, ISSUES??
MM immediately broke up with her, but since they had mutual friends and they hadn't really formed an attachment, they agreed to remain friends. About three weeks after they broke up, they were out with a group of friends and MM was innocently flirting (his version...I think it's much more likely that the flirting wasn't innocent, but I'm kind of skeptical like that) with one of their mutual friends and TC freaked out on him. She basically attacked him in the hall and kissed him full on the mouth. When he pushed her away, she admitted to being jealous and then turned on the Flirty Girl. Needless to say, they weren't friends after that.

We've finally arrived at..

Girlfriend #5: The Porn Girl

I dislike porn. I honestly don't see the point in it at all. I find it morally and objectively wrong and just can't wrap my brain around the fact that these men and woman make their living by having sex for all the world to see.
I guess TPG didn't share my opinion. From all accounts, the girl was obsessed. MM tells me that she seemed rather cold in bed and couldn't get turned on unless they watched hours of porn first. At first he was kind of intrigued by the fact that she wanted to watch porn with him, but over time it got old. He said he wasn't officially creeped out, however, until she berated him in public for his "shabby" collection of porn. Then she bought him three new tapes that were "better" and forced him to watch all three in one sitting. After that he said he had a hard time being in the same room with her without his stomach turning. Or maybe that was me, because I threw up a little in my mouth just now. *shrug* Either way, it's wrong.
She lives about an hour and a half from here and MM didn't see her for about three months. She refused to return his phone calls and just seemed to sort of disappear. He'd already decided it was over, but wanted to tell her face-to-face rather than by email for phone. She solved the problem for him by calling and breaking it off. He said he was relieved. This was about a month before we started dating.
So he was away two weekends ago and ran into a guy who works with TPG. It turns out she's a lesbian and living with her new "life partner". I tried not to laugh when MM told me, because he seemed a little disturbed about it, but I just couldn't help myself. The situation is rather amusing, no?

There are several others that I left out, but I think I included the most important ones.

As I said, it may be wrong for me to laugh and poke fun at them, but I just can't help myself. No wonder he compared me to that diamond in a pile of .....


Isabel said...

Number 3 and number 5 had me busting up laughing. Number 3 almost made me spit out my snapple I was drinking. Oh poor Mark. *snicker*

Dylan said...

Damn, poor Mark.

No wonder he's so in love with you, I'd be in love with you two if I dated any of the girls he did...DUDE! You're the only normal one, sheesh!

Good one, Holls.

Holly said...

Yeah, like I said, I couldn't even be mad that he compared me to sh*t. Besides, I was laughing too hard to be angry...LOL

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